.Sunday 2 October 2011 ♫ 03:18 ♫
Shatter, shatter. Is it not enough? It's not enough. The impulse of destruction has not been satisfied. Weak, weak, HUMANS are too weak. I'm nothing but a discarded killing doll. I ask, "What was I created for?"
Tell me that, please?
When Jarin's parents were about to divorce, you went all out to comfort her. For me? Just tell me to stay with my mother and visit my dad frequently. It took 10 seconds. It took days for her.
You promised me that if anything happens, I can go to your house. When my parents asked me where I wanted to go after they divorced, I said your house. I told you that, you went "What the hell?"
Seriously? Breaking promises is your forte now? Never mind. I have someone else's house to go to. And you told me "let me see you one last time before that?"
Fuck no. Noooo. If you had just agreed with me, I wouldn't have left. If you could understand how broken I was and am, you wouldn't have disagreed.
When I wore something to appease to you, you said. My makeup was ugly, the wig was horrible, the clothes I wore made me fat. For that one girl you saw flirting with your outside? You could remember how she looked like. Big eyes, straight long hair, fringe behind her ear, smaller chest, skimpy shorts. Chinese. Oh. Wait. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be comparing. I'm Malay.
Whatever I say randomly, you don't take it into heart. You won't even remember. I said I cut my hair. You said something else. I said it again a few hours later. "Oh, you did?" Really now? Is it that hard to remember?
But when other girls do it? Do you remember? Goddamn till the rest of your life, of course you do! Hah. Cos what. I don't really matter
Its like what Alvin said to me. If only I stayed the way I am, but with Jiayi's looks. Yes. I am ugly. I look older than I really am. I am not as fair as the Chinese girls you know. I know I am fat. I'm despisable. Right. If only I had her looks. Or your dream girl's looks. Yes. If only I look as good in skimpy clothes. If only I could expose my skin for you to attract you. If only I was flawless. If only I was perfect.
Yes. I will change for you. Even if you leave me. I'll still change. I will. All for you. Even if it hurts me.
コワシテ、コワシテ。タリナイヨ？タリナイ。満たされない 破壊衝動。脆い脆い脆いヒトなんて。所詮は 捨テラレタ ドオル。「ナンノタメニツクラレタノ？」っていう其レ
オシエテヨ？
～凛子
