.Tuesday 22 November 2011 ♫ 06:12 ♫
I might break down all over again. I'm holding everything back again. I'm sorry. It's just me. I don't think I've ever mattered.. So I'll just make use of it. Make people happy, go against my pride, will, ego. Maybe I just need to keep a record of all of it, for my amusement. Haha.. Crying while other people get angry.. So much tears.. I can't even feel my eyes anymore (':
It kinda sucks really. Knowing that you can be two different people.
The selfish. The selfless. That's what they oughta be.
The selfish? Self-explanatory. Not caring about the world, except one's self. You are of higher importance. Only you are most worthy of being cared about. Everything else is to be sacrificed for your own happiness. Nobody else mattered. How childish, ain't it? But then again... Put your life before others? How true would that be? The sadism then drives me crazy. Hurt... Now I just want to feed off people's pain and suffering, emotional AND physical. It's weird really, but it's satisfying, to know that you've hurt someone. An accomplishment maybe. I wonder why? (: Am I going mad? But I enjoy this... madness.. It's so.. fulfilling. And rewarding. My life seems so beautiful in front of me, like this was meant to be. I just need to keep hurting, and feed off the pain.
The selfless? I wonder. Sometimes, I forget I ever existed. It's kinda funny, really. Slightly amused by it. Then the sadist disappears. The sweet girl comes back. Everyone exists, everyone's nice in a way. I wish I could stay this way forever, only cry for others, never for myself. Much lesser pain, really.
Being jealous too much. That's one bad point. I guess, envy is out to kill me? Or I'm just falling into envy to kill myself? I never quite knew, don't want to know. Jealous of friends, of 'better' people, of those trying to get me. I don't know. It's so frustrating. I feel like just killing every one of them. Their faces irritate me ever so much. It hurt me. Pride? Greed? I don't know which one of those are linked with envy. Maybe both. Maybe none. Maybe I'm just imagining things. It hurts to think.
Then again, what do I know? Nothing. I knew nothing. I'll know nothing. It hurts to think that way. I'm scared. I'm scared to live. I'm scared to die. I'm scared of being alone. Everything just...became the way it was before. No ray of hope again... Who knows? When he's gone, he'll probably tell me something that'll hurt again. He'll probably break up with me. I'll never know about that. It's scary to think about it. One can only stay so long.
Then again. I don't want to lose anyone. Vivian.. Jun.. they both mean so much to me. Yet, they're both breaking down. With or without me. It hurts to see them. To see them suffer so much. I just want to let go of them, let them live in a better world. Give them the freedom they need to create a world so much better. Maybe I should. One day, when the time is right. Then they'll realise that, it was the best decision. In future. It doesn't matter for me. I'm just causing them pain and trouble. I don't want that anymore. I don't want them to suffering anymore. The biggest mistake for them, was ever meeting and getting close to me. I'm sorry I only cause pain and disaster. I'm sorry I'm a jinx.
I'll do it slowly. I'll drift away slowly. Then it won't hurt for them so much when I leave. The only pain caused will be on me. Isn't that much better? I hope so. I guess it is. I'll allow them to make the move themselves. I'll give them time to be able to live without me. So, it won't be so sudden, it won't have so much impact. So, I'll just pray for them from afar. I'll pray they'll be safe without me, they'll be out of dangers way. I'll pray for God to forgive their sins, and allow them to live better lives without me. Because they deserve it.
So starting from Thursday. Jun will be leaving Singapore. Then that's when it'll start I guess. I'll slowly, but surely. Drift from the both of you. You both. Said the same thing.
"Nobody can disappear so suddenly without a reason."
Perhaps you're right, that's why, I won't give the reason, I'll take away the sudden. I don't want to hurt the ones I love most. I want to keep the both of you safe. So please.. just go.. It'll be better if you hate me. Just go. I can be alone. I'll be fine. I can take it. I can handle happiness being taken away in front of my eyes. I'll sacrifice that very happiness for the both of you. So this. This entry. It's a record, if you ever come back to this blog. It'll be something for you to read, to understand, if I ever disappear.
I've made my decision. I will surely carry it out.
Jun:
I gave you my cross. Hopefully, you'll treasure it. It may be a bit girly for you, as well as me, but hopefully you're holding it close. Because you know, I want the Lord to protect you always. To keep you out of harm's way. But you told me... it was too girly... you didn't want it... I keep seeing you wear Jarin's necklace.. It hurt me. I just wanted to... Something for my eyes.. I guess, you don't have to care anymore. Hopefully, you'll still remember it's mine. I guess not? Given your memory. And all you can remember is.. her.. I knew you choosing me was a bad idea anyway. I don't care anymore, I'll give you freedom one day, to decide that who you truly loved was..? (:
Vivian:
I don't know what to say. You're obviously suffering under him. I don't want that anymore ): You know there are other better people out there. He's obviously making you suffer more... And you never came to me for help anyway. So.. what's the point of my existence, I wonder too? Does it make any difference for you if I just left? I don't know. You keep saying you're used to it. You're not, never were. No matter how many times one gets rejected, one will always cry. I don't like the torture you put yourself through ): I don't want that anymore, please? Care for yourself more. Forgive yourself, then maybe God will forgive you. Then maybe your life will be better (: There's no turning back for me, but there's hope for you. It's not too late to turn back, for you. Please turn around and run, before it's too late..
Hey guys, I love you both, alright? (: Always will, even if I don't exist anymore. I'll ask God for a special place for the both of you, as long as you let go of me.. Alright? Haha.. I won't let you both suffer anymore. You've had enough.
-Rinko
