.Tuesday 27 December 2011 ♫ 09:30 ♫
I knew it would hurt him. I knew it. And yet I still do it.I'm such a monster aren't I?
What's the use of crying now, I don't know?
With the past and present haunting me, there's no escape for me. I keep seeing things. I keep hearing things. I keep feeling things. I don't want any of it. It hurts to be able to feel.
She's out there. I know she is. I finally know what she is. You know when the past haunts you, a different person? That's what she is, the past.
I will kill her. I will. One day. She'll be gone. At the cost of me being gone too. I mustn't tell her. I mustn't.
.Friday 23 December 2011 ♫ 03:18 ♫
Sometimes I wish. That this world just had you and me. So that all these sins.. I wouldn't have committed them. I would've just loved you normally. Like I always did.
But now? We're in a world full of other people. So many sinners around us. They'd do anything... to fulfill their needs. Me? I'm just lost among the crowd, waiting for you again. I don't know where you went. I won't know. I'll always be the one waiting, quietly. As people just rush past me in this fast-paced world.
Sitting here is lonely, sometimes. It gets really lonely. I get sad when I'm lonely. No one is trying to make me happy. Everywhere, it's always the same. Same old lonely place, same old path.
I'm thinking too much again, aren't I? I don't know. Weird dreams telling me so many things.. It only happens when she is.. acting up again. I don't know anymore. Real life? What is that? I can't tell the difference between reality and dreams anymore. I can't think properly anymore. I want to cry but it's so difficult.
My body aches. My lungs, my liver, stomach, kidneys. Everything. I feel like just killing myself. It'll be so much easier.
But I guess I'm recovering from whatever I suffered from. Now, it's just us. Rui. And me. I miss those times. I shouldn't have read that entry again and hurt you. I'm sorry. You can stop punishing me now.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Let's watch a nice Christmas musical together, alright? It'll be just us. Maybe then, He will help us again. Like He did before. The night is cold...
I want to be clean again.
.Tuesday 20 December 2011 ♫ 03:51 ♫
Stupid fucking steam. Goddangit. Everytime I open that fucking app, it doesn't let my mic work. And then what, it makes my bloody computer crash and shit bricks. God freaking dang it.I just realised, according to her, she said to me, men are the same. Really? I didn't know, really. She said. They all treated me the same. Like En Wei said, he wished he wasn't like other men: Going for looks. Haha. Sometimes, I'm glad she's around to tell me such things. Really. I'm glad.
But then again. She remembers everything. Everything good, everything bad. It's sickening. It's... it's painful for me. It hurts a lot. To think about the past. To remember what hurt the most, what killed me. What made me into the person I am today. I wouldn't know actually. I forgot. She remembers them for me, I don't really care. When I need to cry, all she has to do is tell me about all things that made me cry so much in the past. I don't know if that's a good thing honestly. It's crazy.
She helped me so much throughout these years. Even if she tried to kill me a few times. I don't mind, really. It made me stronger. No one else knew me best, except her. She was mostly right too. Haha. Oh. Yay.
But sometimes she goes overboard. She won't shut up. She gets noisy. It's irritating. It's scary. To hear her all the time. Telling me, "It's not worth living this life anymore." I guess. Sometimes, she's right.
I feel like crying again. I have no idea why. I want to tell him... But I just... I can't say anything. It hurts, a lot, really. Something piercing my heart, though I don't know what. My throat, hurts. I just want to scream, forever. And sleep eternally, after that. How wonderful that sounds.. Then I can live in my own world again, like last time. Where sins didn't exist. Where God was my only love. Where I thought I was already in heaven.
Sadly. I can't go back. Even if this is a huge cycle I'm living in. There's no going back. I'm already grown up.
Maybe. Just maybe. There'll be a way back. I just have to find it again. Just maybe..
~Rinko
.Monday 19 December 2011 ♫ 07:50 ♫
What. The. Fark. With. The. Title.Lol. Uhm. Yeah. What. Really, I don't know. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Watched a lot of funny videos. Laughed my ass off. Penguinz0 is a funny commentator. Can't stop laughing at his commentary (: Hais. My stupid stomach hurts T_T
It'll hurt for a long time anyway. I should stop punching my stomach and womb. Nothing in there but air anyway. Even if I punch it. Hais. I want children. What if I damage my body and won't be able to get any? I don't know.
I just want to go into a coma now. I just want to sleep, and never wake up. I just want to fast foward. I want to wake up, and see who's fateful, who's loyal. Everything. I want to find out the truth about everything. I want to wake up, knowing that everything changed. Knowing, the truth. Everything.
Hmm. I don't know. I just read the news. About someone just getting onto a bus, then going into a coma. Wow. That easy. Why isn't it me. I don't understand. So innocent. I deserve it more. I guess. Poor woman. Haish. I wish I wish. Badly.
Stupid. Envy. Stupid. Greed. Stupid. Sins. God dang it. I feel like just stabbing everything. Honestly.
Lol. Was planning to post a happy post. Decided against it. Oh well. Sad blog is sad. Whiny too. Zzzz. Ok ohmaigawd. I'm so... I'm feeling so sian... Zzz. Hmmmm.
I feel like cutting again, swallowing pills. everything. Punching walls. Hahahhaha. What the hell. Kthxbye. Don't care leh.
~Rinko
.Tuesday 13 December 2011 ♫ 07:00 ♫
I can't even begin to think of what to write. haha. Oh well..It acted up again. That person. Perhaps it's not me after, who's committing suicide. Perhaps its not envy. Its just her, pulling me to death. Like always, like last time.
I feel like writing a little story. Because I'm listening to a wonderful composition by Miika153 again (: Beautiful, simply outstanding.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/1yLBNQKM624" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Will do it later ._.
.Sunday 11 December 2011 ♫ 05:29 ♫
Fucking hell. I've never been so pissed that I can't even swallow water.I'm shaking badly. It hurts everywhere. I'm holding back so many tears. It hurts so much... I can die this way. I hope I do anyway.
I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. Any incident involving her. It grieves me. I guess, I get reminded of things too easily.Don't I? It's painful enough I can't forget. I did way too many things for her. I loved her so much. And then suddenly, I had to let go, I was pushed away. It was like, being driven off the cliff, and she pushes me off. Then she's up there, moving on with her life, like nothing happened. While I stay in the depths of the dark, bottomless pit, falling deeper and deeper into the darkness. Look at her. She gets everything. All happy and things like that. Friends. Everything.
Me? I don't know. I just keep falling. And falling. And falling. I don't know. When I'll reach the end? No idea. Maybe when I die. I'll hit the ground. Maybe. By then, no one will know of my existence anymore. Because by then, I'll be shattered. And like a glass shattered, the pieces, too small for eyes. No one will know.
Even after being with him for so long. It hurts to know what was, and what never meant to be. It would've been better if he had chosen her instead. They were doing so well. So well.. I could just... I can always get another person. Or. I'm so used to being alone. So, I'll just be alone. That way, I won't hurt anyone anymore. Maybe it is so.. Haha. I wonder why I even let him have me. I don't know. Out of pity? I think. I don't even remember anymore. A pity isn't it..
And now. I'm angry. Because of so many occasions. Why? I don't know. Anything that involves her and him together. Envy... Please stop killing me. Please stop dragging me down deeper, faster. It hurts. I don't want to feel the rush anymore. I don't like it. It freaking hurts. Or. Maybe. It's because, I'm dragging myself down. I don't know. It hurts either way. This envy. It makes me go crazy. I feel like... killing the both of them. Then they'll be happy together. Isn't it better? But why risk two lives, when you can risk only one? To kill myself.. why don't I? Since I'm already falling into the pit of death, pushed away by her. Why not? Hahaha...
Please. Don't be with me anymore. I'll only hurt you more. I've sinned so much... I don't think even God wants me. Not even the Devil. That's why I'm left here. All alone. Where I'll hurt no one. In the first place... Why did you come here? Why couldn't you have just stayed away, like everyone else? Why must you...
Hahahaha.. I don't know anymore. I kept it all in. Too much. I might just burst again. I want to. And I will. (:
~Rinko
