.Tuesday 21 February 2012 ♫ 01:50 ♫
Hi.
Maybe. I'm upset enough to visit this blog again. Maybe. I'm bored enough. Maybe, I've been so grief-stricken by whatever's just happened, I came back here to relay my sorrows onto a page.
But listening back to the cursed requiem, I can't help but to type all these again. Haha... Maybe I am going crazy after all. Hearing voices everywhere.. I'm scared. I don't want to go back out to the unknown world. It's scary to even think about it all. It's already so cold in here... I thought home was warmth. I guess maybe, I'm wrong about it. Urgh, this is crazy.
It's either I'm thinking way too much, or too little (that means none at all). I need to find a way to gain my sanity back.
I found temporary peace in listening to the many medleys that form the cursed requiem. Haha.. Maybe it's a sign. Perhaps I really going mad. Calling these songs the cursed requiem. I can't cry to these songs anymore. They make me happy. In a weird way. I'll feel all fuzzy inside, and forget the cold air that surrounds my very soul.
I've been very weak these days. I can't help but to fall sick in this environment. The cold air chokes me. No.. It soothes me. I'm not coughing in this cold weather. I'm feeling better, as a matter of fact. The sun is shining outside though. Weird... At least I'm feeling a bit better. I don't really care about the cold anymore. It keeps me warm, as ironic as it gets.
This mentality is weird. I have images flashing in my mind. Most of it; blood.
I guess. Everyone as a person, is their own world. Like Alice and her wonderland. She lives in her own delusion. Fighting every evil form in her wonderland till they disappear for good, then she becomes healed, or goes totally insane.
My world? It's destroying itself. I feel it. The insanity pulsing through every one of my cells. I can feel it taking over me. The images, the signs, the dreams. It all connects. I'm at my very edge. Maybe that's why nothing makes sense anymore. I, perhaps, am no longer the same person ever since that day. I am the art of that person, that being. I need to fulfill his needs...
NO. She then will scream. YOU ARE PURE, YOU JUST NEED TO RID YOURSELF OF THESE WORDS, THESE IMAGES, THIS MIND. IT IS DESTROYING YOU.
Perhaps so. Maybe. But destroying these things..haha.. It means destroying myself.
I'm sure the answer does not lie in me. It lies in another world. I've been exploring that world for a while. It is the same... With the same mind, just less minor. Less blood. More scars. Something inside me tells me to rip them open.
Then I realise that'll destroy him.
I don't want that.
I just want to sleep and just be dormant.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I just wanted to be happy.
Was that difficult?
...I had it all in my grasp. And he destroyed it. I destroyed it. She destroyed it.
But no matter. Whoever I blame for this destruction. It is destroyed.
Wake up Rinko. There is no world anymore. Wonderland ceases to exist. You've destroyed the only light in your life. It is only right that you may live in eternal darkness. It is only right that you live through pain and hurt. Maybe it is for your own good. The hope that you seek, isn't there.
Now just live. Live until the darkness fades to a pit. Walk into it and there shall be the light you seek. But only through the natural path you will find it.
I'll just listen to this melody that eludes me. This soothing unknown tune. Perhaps it'll soothe my soul into submission. So I can properly control it again.
Give me my sanity back. Give me my happiness back. That's all I ever wish for. Then let me sleep for eternity.
~Rin
