.Monday 30 April 2012 ♫ 08:28 ♫
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0PSEYo1lXs
will leave that there to cheer myself up when needed.
Anyway. Hello. Today, my boyfriend asked for a break up.
I saw it coming when he asked if I could live without him, if he left. I know I can't. I keep telling myself I can. Huh, lying to myself is difficult.
Perhaps he was right. Maybe we needed more time dedicated to studies. Perhaps this relationship wasn't important enough. Yes, I must let go for now. For now, I shall let go of you to pursue your own career. In hopes... in hopes that you'll never forget about me on the way. Kind of an impossible task now, ain't it?
That's me again. Making unrealistic goals for myself. Why do I torture myself like this, I wonder? I don't even know it myself. It's happening again. Those times. It came true in the end. He did leave me alone, left me behind to look at my world of emptiness.
Fuck this. Screw my life. It doesn't even need to matter anymore. I hate myself. Yes, that's you Alice. I hate you.
I've had it all planned. From after studies, to work, to marriage, to children, to when we grow old. I thought about it all, doing it together with you. But now, you tell me that I'll may only be your best friend in the future, not my husband. Then fuck that future. Fuck to a future with you as someone whom I don't care about. I may as well never live again to see you. I don't want to study anymore, I don't want to work or marry. I don't want to have children. Just let me die young and now. Let those cars run over me.
Right now, all will to live on just disintegrated into nothing. I just can't see anything, I'm blind without you. My friends, they're walking sticks, helping guide the blind. But now, I can't see anything and only feel. What's the point if I was able to see before, and all that just gets taken away because of a single mistake I made?
If only I can take it all back and just numb myself. I want to wish that I didn't do that to you. I wish I didn't hurt you before so much that you hate talking about the past. Yes, many other girls like you better than I do. It's better, I guess, if you could go with them. I don't mind. After all, I deserve this punishment. I don't deserve you. I should let you go.
I've been holding you back. I'm sorry, for holding you too tightly in my arms. I shouldn't have. En Wei said it himself, 'If someone really loves you, they'll come back when you let go.'
I took that risk. I hope it was worth it. No... I hope that made you happier than it did when I kept you close to me. Yes, I need to get farther away from you. Then it wouldn't hurt so much when you let go of me. I wouldn't mind either.
Then I wouldn't need to go for prom, right? Once in a lifetime chance, gone.
I wouldn't need to marry, right? Once in a lifetime event, it became a never.
Children? I wouldn't even know the feeling of caring for my own flesh and blood.
Future with you? I can forget about that, clearly.
You can do well without me. Yes yes. I'll handle myself, somehow. Hah. This pain? It's nothing, of course it's nothing. I've never experienced pain before. Right. -sarcasm-
But never mind that. I shouldn't be a matter or a burden to anyone else. I don't need anyone to depend on. It's about time I mature and become independent. I should be, anyway.
I mean, who cares about my measly life?...
~Rinko
.Monday 23 April 2012 ♫ 07:43 ♫
Hello.
Now, I shall talk about my lovely lady. Well, she ain't mine anymore now...
So anyway. She was a nice girl. Conservative yet bold, cute and pretty, smart yet a bit dumb at times. Those smiles never failed to cheer me up. Those grasps and caresses. Those times where we wiped each other's tears. The times where we laughed at our silly mistakes and successes.
I really missed those times. Those times that were in 2011. It was a fun and eventful year for me, and for you. Meeting each other and sharing moments. Rather fun for me, being with you.
Sadly, all those moments can never come back. I'm too darn sick to bother chasing after you, yes, blame me.
Nothing much to say now, since I've said all I wanted to. Just wanted to. Try and bring across stuff when I actually can't, obviously.
Hey. I noticed. If I cover my eyes and ears, I can see and hear the faint image and sounds of Wonderland. Do you think it's coming back now? I just hear the rusting leaves though. It's soothing, maybe life is back now. I can visit it one day again. I can't wait for it. Until then, time to continue surviving in this hellish world.
~Rinko
