.Wednesday 20 June 2012 ♫ 06:27 ♫
20th June 2012
I feel like a journalist trying to come up with words to weave the story together. It's tough to find the right words. It's hard to express, ain't it?
This is day whattheeverfuck of this horrible feeling. I've been suppressing it for almost a week, but I can't hold it anymore. It's like, you can hold in your pee for a long time, then you feel good. Afterwards, you feel horrible because you held it in. Then one fine day, you're going to let it all out on someone. Feelings, not pee.
So... this empty feeling inside. It's back again. I feel like I'm choking on it. Like someone's grabbing my throat and strangling me, not stopping till I die. Well, maybe to rest at times.
I've done a lot of thinking today. A bit lesser than usual, but controllable amount, I guess. Have been thinking about my life in future, again. Yes, again. I don't know why I think about it. Maybe I'm scared of it. Because... you'll never know who goes and who stays, and that's the frightening part to me. I'd hate to see people like Vivian, Yee Khang, Hafiz or HIM going. That'd be horrible... But even if they stay, will their relationship with me stay? What if they change to hate me? What if they change for the worse? What if I was still abandoned even after they stayed?
Just remembering times when I was happy, before I held on to things too tightly. Remembering, for what purpose? Just... I just wish I could forget them. I wish something struck my head right now and I get amnesia. Forget everything that had happened since 2009.
Forget the only person who has helped me and understood me, that counselor. She was the only one who understood those horrid horrid voices, my bottled up feelings and how much of a child I actually am inside.
Forget the best friend I had who has been there with me through thick and thin for 2 years. The only girl I've kissed who isn't really a family member, but really seems so. That girl who got sick of my complaints, but it's okay, maybe I'm better off by myself.
Forget all the people who cared for me, who wanted the best for me. The people I rejected because I was too stubborn holding on to something.. someone who already let me go. Those men whom I've hurt in the past... because the guilt is creeping up to me everyday.
Forget HIM. Because he's grown tired of my complaints and drama. Because I have been nothing but trouble and I've hurt him just like everyone else. Forget the pain we've gone through just to stay with each other. Forget the happy memories we've shared to make time pass by quicker than ever. Forget how we wanted to live forever, in each others' arms and comfort, and forget everything else. Funny, how I want to forget the very things I'd like to remember having with you. I just wish I could forget the fact that I even had you.
To quote Matthew Murdock a.k.a Daredevil, "Sometimes I... I wish we never left that room."
Maybe one day I'll be mature enough to realise that all these are impossible. By then, maybe I'll accept the fact that I have gone through shit and in turn, made me shittier.
Time has passed. Too fast, faster maybe. I have to move on, don't I? I can't wallow in self pity forever... Or can I? I don't know. To be honest, I don't want to walk. I just want to stay here, cradled in my bed and just sleep in this emptiness forever. At least... At least I won't have to think about anything anymore. I don't have to cry about things I think about anymore. I just have to close my eyes and look in the darkness.
I've thought to myself. And thought about the actions. Every time I become strong enough to move on, he tells me no. I can't. Because I can't be selfish and care for myself and just leave him behind. But the thing is, I'm not strong enough to pull him with me. Or pull myself away... I can merely use the last bit of energy I conserved to push him away. To push him over that gap of death and over to the happy side of life. At least, he'll smile genuinely. I just wanted that. I just wanted to push him away and never let anyone into my life or world again. I just don't want to make anyone touch this horrible monster again. I don't want to explode all over him again. Because I'm fragile, and I don't wish to suffocate anyone again.
I'll just have to take it. I have to push him away before it's too late. It'll be just like me dying, won't it? At least I'll know. But it's okay. This time, I won't be selfish anymore. This time, I won't change my decision when it's done. This time... I'll let go. And I'll accept the fact that I've destroyed it all with these hands, and will fix it with these very hands.
Because the past is dead. And I need to fix the present while fearing the future.
.....And he doesn't want to talk to me today.. Which makes me lonely. But..that's okay. Because no one has ever paid attention to me before. Not even now... I should be getting used to it. Negligence is a painful thing to receive. And that's all the previous presents I've received for our past monthsaries.
Because no one cares. And they never will understand.
.Thursday 14 June 2012 ♫ 08:24 ♫
14 June 2012I can't stop crying. Not anymore. I've been holding back too many tears for too long.
He doesn't want me to see what he feels anymore. He won't let me into his heart.
...Cried for an hour by myself. Vomited a couple of times. It really hurts. This feelings that I've built up by keeping quiet and holding back. I can't see through my tears.
I'm sorry. I was just scared you'll leave like daddy and mummy did. They almost did. Maybe you're right. It may be my parents' fault. I just don't want anyone abandoning me anymore for their selfish needs. I want love. I just wanted someone to love me proper. But I couldn't even do it for myself, what more of others for me?
Silly me. I just miss your pats on my head, that made me assured and feel accepted. I miss your hugs where I feel protected from all the world's dangers. I miss your soft pecks when I cried and it all made me forget what I cried about. I wish you were here with me, comforting me now, about how I never ruined your life and instead made you a better person. It's all never coming back.
I can feel your frustrated sighs through your messages whenever I get angry and tell you that I hate you. It was all out of anger, I swear. I regret it so much, because I don't really mean it. I only love you. I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to think of anyone else's lives, just mine and how pathetic of a girl I am. I want the assurance, protection and love back. Why is it so difficult for me to get it all back...? Why do I keep thinking you have someone else when it's not true...?
En Wei, I let the poor bird fly free now. Maybe you're right, I've been trapping him in a cage, making him uncomfortable and frustrated. It really doesn't matter whether he comes back to return the same feelings to me, right? I can feel it, true love, for letting him go. Wishing for his happiness more than mine. Yes, it may be silly, but I know I love him more than I love myself, and I have to let go because of that.
I can't let him carry my burdens anymore. I will be alone, yes, but at least you'll be happier. It doesn't matter if I can save myself or not. Maybe when you come back to return your feelings, I might not be there anymore. But that's okay. Really. Seeing you being able to smile after I let go will be the greatest gift.
I just wanted you to understand. I wanted you to know when I felt really sad and really really needed help. But it never happens. Not with anyone. I give up already.
-Rin
.Monday 11 June 2012 ♫ 08:43 ♫
11th June 2012Damn it. Damn it. Fucking damn it.
I feel horrible. So bad right now. Nausea's kicking in, I want to vomit shit I haven't eaten. My chest tightens randomly. My life's a mess. Why can't I just be blind when I wake up? At least I won't be able to face school for a long while. Maybe that will make me avoid all the trouble and pain.
Okay, maybe I did feel a little happy today. Hearing his voice finally, after 2 whole days of loneliness. It brings me joy, somewhat. The only thing to make me properly happy, for now. But everything has to end someday. One day, everything will disappear from my hands once again when I graduate from this horrible place. This horrid horrid memory filled trash. Momentarily, I can only feel giddiness from too much... I don't know. Too much holding back? I don't fucking know.
I haven't cried so much since yesterday. I really needed help. Really did. But when ever I break down, nobody's there for me.
PEOPLE LIE.
They said call whenever I need them. They never picked up. None of them did. My best friend, my close friend, my loved one. Not a single one picked up their damned phones. Do you know how that feels? It feels horrid. When you're just there crying, hoping someone'll call and ask you if you're alright. But it never, never happens. Everything you hoped for was a lie. It never meant to exist, this happiness. You were never meant to have anyone with you. It hurts doesn't it. To be lonely.
It's painful to hear my heart beating so loudly in my ears. It hurts. It hurts so much to be alone here. I wish someone would hold my hand and bring me to safety, to company, to paradise. I wouldn't know anything. I seriously don't, until now.
Oh please. Someone please save me. I just needed someone to wipe my tears. Is it so difficult to be there for me..?
.Sunday 10 June 2012 ♫ 03:45 ♫
10th June 2012Hello.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGx9nZvbjmA
I guess something brought me here. I have no idea what I'm going to write about, think about, complain about. There's always something to think about. Just that, today, there's so much that I can't seem to direct it all into something I can read or write.
Today I woke up sick. It's freezing cold in here. My fingers turn numb with every movement. It's saddening to think about it. The coldness I mean. I wish I could stop thinking so much about everything. All this sadness should go away. It should have long ago, since everything disappeared before me. I wish I could feel heartless for real this time. I don't want to think too much, to feel too much and to see too much. At least, if not that, I wish I could accept everything's that happened.
Thinking about all these memories I hold with me everyday. How I avoid all those happy moments just so that I could drown myself in self-pity and sorrow. A million apologies cannot suffice even if it could forgive everything I had done. If only I could face everything again with a stronger faith in hope, maybe it all would've been fine. Maybe I wouldn't be forcing anyone into this game with me.
Maybe I could. Maybe that chance was there before. Maybe I just kept avoiding it. That or I was blinded. By what? I don't know. Love. Hate. Anger. Sadness. Anything. I keep going on this path to nowhere. I'm only hurting everyone whom I wanted to protect by straying away from it. Fate? Maybe. Maybe I should've stayed on this path and stop hurting everyone else. Maybe I should have just kept quiet as I had in the past. Taken it all in like I usually did. Accepted everything and everyone even as they lied to me day after day about how much of a great friend I am.
I was gullible. I still am. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was brave enough to fight everything properly instead. I wish I didn't care about my fragile heart so much. I wish my heart was stronger after being scarred several times by everyone. I wish the wounds would just heal like normal people have them to. I wish I could heal everyone else too as I wish I could heal myself. Everyday I face the world with this same distorted mindset of mine that's mocked at by The Others.
I thought he was different. I thought this experience, this person would be different from all the lies that slowly destroyed my innocence in the past. I assumed again. The very same mistake I do every single time. Just like neglecting everyone else around me. I thought it would be different this time, that everything would stay the same, stay happy and good. I was proven wrong. I thought it was just a test, so I continued holding on to the same belief, the belief that everything would be fine. I kept lying to myself that it would all work out.
As much as I'd like the past to cease to exist, it still does. Everyone's past does. It shapes them into the creatures that hurt others to protect themselves. Funny how they are able to do that, to save themselves while hurting others. At least, at least they're able to save themselves alone. I wish I was normal like them. I wish I wasn't different. I wish I felt lesser. I wish I didn't cry so much. You wouldn't believe it but I'm broken now. Have been falling all this while, when what I could've done was fly with everyone else. I've destroyed my own wings and burnt everything I had. Only these memories serve a place for me to escape to. This place were tears fill up my soul everyday.
Every time I feel happy for a moment, everything falls back down. I follow suite. If only I could've run away. I've always wanted someone to do it with me. To run away with the person you love, somewhere where we can start afresh in a new world. If it was that simple. But I suck at caring and loving anyone. I'm not meant to have anyone to turn to when everything goes wrong. It's just been that same corner I cry in everyday when all goes wrong. So many events happened when I'm in that cursed corner. I can remember every time I want to end my life at that very corner.
I miss the past now. I wish saying 'I love you' was easy again, because we really meant it. We really did. Why is it so difficult for us now? Why is it so difficult to spend time together without feeling upset about the change that's happened? I can't explain anything, I can't erase the mistakes I've done. I can't lie that I've hurt you more than you've hurt me. But the biggest mistake I've made was accepting you and leading you into my heart. How could I have done that..? It's hurt us both so much. Why didn't I reject you before? Why didn't I avoid all these mistakes?
Now hanging by only a string that holds onto the slightly tainted past, I can't forgive myself anymore. I just wish, somehow you would just let me go properly. Wish that we could go our separate ways to avoid all these tears and pain.
You could've killed me before. Why didn't you do it? Maybe you could've avoided everything. All these happy times we've had could've been nothing. We wouldn't have anything to hold on to. There wouldn't be any regrets, any yearning. I wish I could start everything over again, to a time where we didn't know each other. To a time when I meant nothing to anybody. To a time where I didn't change because of you. To a time when I wasn't a better person.
I'm sick and tired of living this life. I wish I could go back and prevent everything that has happened. I wish I could have stayed in the shadows. I've made mistakes, let happiness slip through my fingers. The day when this troubled life ends, maybe I'll find bliss. Maybe I'll see the light again and be able to hold it with me. Maybe I'll find another person like you up there, and fall in love with him all over again but this time... This time, maybe avoid the mistakes that made us drift. Avoid falling off the edge of happiness and into the darkness below. Maybe the same might happen to you. If only you could just let me go and start everything over again. Just murder me already. I can't take anymore of my mistakes. I can't take anymore of this guilt. I can't stay still and quiet forever.
I hope you'll be happy somewhere without me. I hope when the time comes, the decision I make is finally right. I hope you won't need this broken and empty soul with you anymore. You're stronger than me. You can do it. We promised to run away. We will, from each other. I swear, I'll make things right again with this.
If only you could see me cry now...
-Rin
