.Wednesday 24 October 2012 ♫ 09:00 ♫
24/10/2012
Okay. So today is Maths Paper 2. Quite okay, overall estimate about 75% ? Hope that's good enough for an A1 ._.
Uhm then. Bad stuff started to happen. Right abdominal pains increased (could be aches or something). But got really upset today, my left lower abdomen started hurting .-. not sure if kidney, or still ache.
But upset! Over what? Guess guess. His phone wallpaper is that of another woman. -insertcommotionhere- damn. Damn it, really. I regret letting him take pictures with me (like camwhore? Lolwhat, yes boys camwhore). For what use? To be left in the depths of nothingness and to be forgotten? I'd rather you just delete those and just tell me, "Hey, I like this other girl. I don't love you anymore." Fuck, then I'll be more than happy to say yes. But don't you dare give me bullshit "I hope we can still be friends." Wtf.
You see. It's like this:
Stranger > Friend > Crush > Love
And what comes after love? Nothing. If love ends, then it just ends. I mean, how can you be friends with someone you once shared intimate/loving/super happy moments with? How can you forget all this? I mean, you have horrendous memory. But what about me? I have the greatest memory (okay, exaggerating.) in dates and occasions. Surely you won't torment me like this? But noooo, you DO torture me like this. Damn, boy, you stupid. You stuck up and selfish. You never think of others. So fuck you ._. Seriously. Fuck man.
fuck. If you were going to treat me this way, don't even touch me in the first place. Don't hold my hand. Don't hug me. Don't kiss me. Don't claim to love me. Stop lying through your teeth. You know how much I hate liars, right? At the very least, just leave me alone to gather my broken pieces together. Don't break them further apart. One day, they'll become dust and I won't be able to pick them up anymore. I won't heal. I'll just, be empty.
I know, i know. It's hard to let go of someone you've spent you life everyday with (life? I meant, 2 years of my life wasted) but I'd rather let it go now than to let this 'lying' affair cheat on me for another -insert number- years. Argh. But. Seriously. Would you rather be empty temporarily or tormented for life? Of course, the former. Duh.
I've decided now. After my exams. I'm going to give it one more month. I won't drink coffee, I won't hurt myself. I won't be so angry. Just one more month as a chance, and then we'll see. If you still insist on treating me like shit, then by all means, I'll dump you on 27 November.
We were so close.
Now we're far apart.
What happened?
-Alice
.Sunday 21 October 2012 ♫ 03:36 ♫
21/10/2012
My heart aches. I'm not sure what kind of pain this is, sadness or anger? I'm not too sure why it hurts either. Why do I even bother? Why do I care?
You angrily question me, "Why can't you just message me back?" Problem is, I can't. No, I'm not rich enough to top up $100 on my prepaid and message you every second, nor do I have any say against my father's will to not top up. No, I'm not like you, I don't have unlimited smses. I have no money now. I'm broke, I'm struggling to survive.
I'm surviving somehow, with this broken heart of mine, with my world crashed to pieces. When she was upset about her parents fighting back then, did you care enough to comfort her? Yes, you did. You stayed with her and made sure she was happy enough to be left alone. What about me? Don't I deserve the same loving treatment now that I'm your girlfriend?
Why do I feel as if I'm being treated as a tool for your needs..? No, I'm human too, right? Don't I deserve the right to be happy, to be sad, and to be angry? Is it wrong for me to feel any emotion? Have I done so much wrong that I don't deserve to be labelled 'human' anymore, for it to be normal to feel upset over someone's tone?
You told me off last night. I merely said, "I feel upset..." You rebutted for no reason. I didn't state any reason why. I was just upset. You screamed at me. Told me not to worry for such stupid things, that I'm not sick or anything like that. I didn't mention anything about me being worried, I was just upset.
So now, feeling sad is wrong for me? Apparently so. Since, you know, I'm basically not human in your eyes anymore. Sure, it's wrong for me to feel upset if an event traumatizes me to do so. It's wrong for me to feel upset over the loss of a person who is dear to me. It's wrong for me to feel hatred to someone who has hurt me badly. It's wrong for me to be angry at someone who breaks his/her promise with me repeatedly. It's wrong for me to miss someone I haven't talked to for days. It's wrong for me to feel anything. It's wrong for me to cry when you shout at me for something I didn't do.
So yes, it's wrong for me to be crying now. It's also wrong for me to cry after abruptly hanging up on you, something I'd never do if I wasn't forced to. It's wrong for me. Nothing I do is right to anyone anyway. So, you know what? So what if my family breaks apart? So what if I'm single again? So what if my dreams don't come true? So what if my love isn't returned? It doesn't matter anymore, because I'm supposed to be a heartless, unfeeling monster. I'm not supposed to feel pain or react to it.
It's what I've turned out to be in your eyes, huh? What shit is love to you anyway? Does it mean changing her to the point where she doesn't recognise herself anymore? To use her as and when you like, and then dump her aside whenever you feel like it? For every decision to revolve around you, and for everyone else to treat you as king? Does love mean making her cry everyday and making sure that conversations are so brief, they don't mean anything anymore? Does it mean making her miss you, and when you meet her, you just hurt her again and again with that harsh and curt tone of yours which you never seem to change? Do you know what this is? It's play. I'm sure you won't like it if I treat you that way. So why do you treat me so?
I've given up on my life for a long time already. I don't know why I decided to pick it up again because you told me to. I thought, maybe I could spend the rest of my life with you, maybe we could be loving and together.
Federico: It is a good life we live brother!
Ezio: Ah.... The Best! May it never change.
Federico: And may it never change us!
All hope is lost. It's true, we were never meant to be. I am always just a hindrance to you, now and always. As a supposedly independent person, love was never my forte. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a lifetime partner. I'm giving up everything I ever had, because each time I do have it, it slips out of my grasp so easily. It can only mean one thing. Perhaps, I'm to live a life of solitary until the day I die.
-Alice
