.Tuesday 30 April 2013 ♫ 11:13 ♫
I'll list it. Cos I'm starting to forget and get emotional. So yeah.
So Calvin was nice today. I was shivering and shit. And he was like "Are you cold?". I'm like, KINDA. Not really. He's like "Do you need my jacket? :)" and I'm like oh anything uh. So we did the activity first, then he gave me his jacket. Ahhh.
Then after the lecture, I was super sleepy. Then I slept and leaned on him. The others were like "Let's go off" He went "no wait, let her sleep. -pats head softly-"
Then when we were going off, he was like "Eh my papers!" So it was just me and him, me giving the paper. Wei and Shawn were downstairs already. Then Calvin was like all cutesy and all, "Thank youuuuu <3" Then he opened his arms and fuck my cheese, I hugged him proper. We hugged tightly.
My life is complete.
But now after listening to sad songs and shit. I just feel really upset and sad. Sigh. Good night then.
-Alyce
.Tuesday 23 April 2013 ♫ 11:20 ♫
My Immortal - Evanescence Story of Us - Taylor Swift
Is being just awkward with me and ignoring me, worth all these sleepless nights? How I'd cry myself to bed until morning, how I'd think about you.
So ok. You don't want to talk to me anymore. I get it. You have your new friends. I get it.
Does that mean I don't have to take care of myself anymore? Do I not have to stop the urge to hurt myself? Do I not have to eat every meal like you've asked me to? Can I start clawing at my arm now? Can I survive on sleeping pills every day? Can I start lying to people like you?
You're online now. I see you online. Why won't you talk to me like before? Do you not like to talk to me anymore? Do you hate me now? Funny how you were the only person who wasn't frustrated with me and yet now, you're not talking to me anymore.
Melvin gave me this song: Move Along - All American Rejects
Okay. I'll stop being upset now. Sigh.
-Alyce
.Monday 22 April 2013 ♫ 11:34 ♫
I should've kissed you - One Direction Helpless When She Smiles - Backstreet Boys
Drawing. I'll post it up tomorrow.
. ♫ 09:06 ♫
Secrets - One Republic"I'm gonna give all my secrets away."
So today. Sad uh. Nothing much to comment but I'll do it anyway.
So yesterday or something, I confessed to Greg. Because he was being all Marcus-ish. You know, the way he tends to be when he's mad. It was frustrating. I was breaking down. He didn't know I was crying. He didn't know anything, yet he pretended to know.
He promised me that nothing would change. He promised me that we would remain friends. He lied to me. We saw each other today. He didn't even talk to me. He saw me, we looked into each others' eyes. But he looked away and walked off. I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to do. I was just...gone. I wanted to smile and wave to him. I felt my heart fall. I felt everything just shatter apart. I couldn't. I just. What IS this feeling? I have no idea myself. Disappointment? Maybe.
Then he just texted me. "Are you upset because of me again?" because of my tweets. Oh. No la. It's just a friend of mine. == Of course it's you. Faggot. Sigh. Or is he just feeling insecure and guilty..? Not that he cares or anything.. right?
"No. It just appears. I see it and I won't ignore it"Was he angry? He sounded angry. I don't know. I don't understand. I'll never understand at this rate. I'm confused. Sigh.
I thought he cared genuinely. Thought I was his friend. What a liar. I trusted the wrong person. I shouldn't have trusted him. He's just like Alvin. I trusted that bastard, gave him my fucking heart and body, but he ended up leaving me alone. He promised me eternal friendship, but we're on cold shoulders now. Greg and I are going to end up like that. It's all repeating itself. I'm stuck in a fucking loop again. All the fucking time. Why why why!?
Fuck this shit. Fuck you life. I shouldn't have lived. This fucking life is a damned curse. What shit blessing. please. Don't even start on it. I'm convinced enough that all this shit happening again and again is causing my fucking life to be shit. Sorry I trust too much ah. But I can't help it right. I'm gullible. Fuck. Fuck this shit. I give up.
-Alyce
.Wednesday 17 April 2013 ♫ 10:28 ♫
Marilyn Monroe - Nicki MinajSigh. Nothing much to talk about today. Signed up for Archery, Makeup club and SIDM club. Drew Melvin. He's so cute. Sigh.
Stupid me.
.Tuesday 16 April 2013 ♫ 07:43 ♫
April 16 2013
There.
.Monday 15 April 2013 ♫ 09:08 ♫
#nowplaying - Wide Awake
"Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet till I woke up from the concrete"Just really upset. About Nat. And Andrea. So. Yeah.
Heart feels heavy. I just want to kill myself. It hurts so much. I knew from the beginning he liked someone else, why did I put myself through this pain? God knows.
Whatever it is. Going into full depression. Don't really need to be happy anymore. I don't have to act anymore. It's better this way isn't it? It probably is.
I told you we didn't need to talk anymore. You immediately seized replying. It was that easy? So..I wasn't that important to you? I don't matter to you like Andrea does, right?
I'm not pretty.
I'm not skinny.
I'm not perfect.
I don't wear revealing clothes.
I'm never happy most of the time.
I cut myself.
I hurt people.
I hurt myself.
I cry too much.
I whine too much.
I'm stupid.
I'm never free.
I'm a loose woman.
I'm a whore.
I'm a slut.
I'm sleazy.
I'm a disgrace.
I need to plunge myself in pain. I need to forget THIS pain. I need it to go away. Why.. I'm sorry everyone. I just can't take this shit anymore. I NEED to cut. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I'm not human enough.
I'll just let the blood flow and carry my wrath. I'm not sure if I'm more angry or sad. But I'm definitely down and low. I hope you understand that. I'm dying here on the inside. Kill me now.
But what's the point. Because in the end, even if I'm happy, everyone else is upset. The only way to make them happy is through my suffering. So let it be. Let my suffering hit me hard in the face just to make all of you happy.
So just make me as unhappy as you can. Make me kill myself one day. It won't fucking matter. Because then you'll be too happy to notice. You moved on from me anyway. I hope my care for you stays a secret forever, then you won't feel upset and guilty. I'm better this way, I'm better when I'm upset and crying.
Byebye happy shitty-assed Rinko. Die in a hole and never come back up again. Just let me get lost in Wonderland.
-Alyce
Update 1.34AM 16/4/13
While it's fresh
.Wednesday 10 April 2013 ♫ 14:33 ♫
Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you.
Hi. So I'm wondering if you know I like you. I was literally starstruck when I saw you. They call it love at first sight, I call it enchanted. Cos whenever our eyes meet, I feel sparks fly and my heart melt. I literally feel crushed and anxious when we're close. I hoped you couldn't see how nervous I was, but at the same time, I secretly wished you did.
When you smile, I see you radiate from the crowd, you simply look angelic. You touch me slightly, brush against my arm, or even hold my hand; I gasp slightly and have a mini heart attack. Contact feels like static but in a way, it wasn't painfully shocking. It was an electric shock that woke me up to a world of happiness and fantasy. With each step you take, I feel your radiating energy in them.
As you look into my eyes searching for a reaction, I shy away yet look back. They are like crystals staring at me deeply, holding my gaze and never letting it go. I searched and found hope in your big bright eyes, yet it was dark. You're still a mystery to me and I wonder what you are and could ever be. Then we hug, and I tried my best to feel everything about you: your hair, your chest, your shoulders, your arms. I was more captivated than relaxed. Your scent filled my nostrils with bliss as your hand ran through my hair. We stayed like this for a moment, a moment that proved to be my moment for life.
Then I realised and remembered, as I saw the girl in pink behind you.
She was beautiful and simply captivating. Her baby pink hair flowed with the wind, each strand glistening in the sunlight. Her eyes full of innocence and love, bubbly and cheery. She stared at you with those eyes, she stared at you lovingly. She opened her perfect lips to call for you, and waved her hand frantically, almost in a cute manner. She was like a little girl, wanting you back. She was irresistible in every men's eyes. She was irresistible to you. She was simply beautiful... And she came before me.
I tried to hug you tighter, not letting you leave. No..I didn't want this moment to end. I wanted you to stay with me. I didn't want you to leave just like he did. I felt myself crushing you in my arms. I felt you growing weak. I let go a little, giving you room to breathe. You tricked me. You fooled me. I was stupid. You were the liar.
You almost dashed for her. You held her in your arms and carried her. You were happier, your smile was wider. Your eyes shined brighter than the crystals I once saw. I couldn't hold it in anymore. As you smiled happily with her, I cried. I dropped down on my knees, and covered my face in my hands. I was ashamed. I was upset. But you didn't see me anymore. You only could see her. The perfect girl in pink.
Reality opened up to me. I see myself in the mirror. Jet black hair covering half of my features. Eyes red from tears. Dried blood on my hands. Runny mascara. Sharp fangs hiding away. I was a monster compared to her. He just pitied me as any other person would, as he would. In the end, I was alone again. Just me and my reflection. I destroy her, the mirror shattered; Just like my whole world.
I could only weep and wallow in sorrow as I realise that I can never be the reason behind that beautiful smile you have. I can only be the stepping stone for your destination. And I can only be destroyed and stepped on in order to be noticed. He was just like everyone else, and I was still the same girl getting hurt over and over.
I admit. I do miss him. I do love him. But it's time that I forget about him. All I could do is just pick up the broken pieces of the mirror and fit it together again. There's bound to be missing pieces and cracks. My reflection would be distorted. But that was the price I paid for trying to be loved.
"Give me love," I begged, and all I got was pain. Maybe it was because I was a nightmare to everyone. And I can never be the girl in pink. I'll always be the girl in black. And I'll always try to chase after the men in pure white hoping to get them to like me. But you know, I realise it'll never happen. Because I was just the night where they shine upon as the moon, and they'll only fall for the stars.
I knew I was bringing in trouble when I saw him, when I met him, when I approached him. I knew I'd love him, I knew I'd go crazy for him. And most of all, I knew he would break my heart one day. I just never thought it'd be that early. So I'll be putting my guard up from now on. Whatever it is, I'm just another replacement to you anyway. I might as well act like one already.
Maybe this is wishful thinking. Probably mindless dreaming. But if we got a chance to love each other, I promise I'll love you right. I promise the I won't be a mistake. But if you still don't wish to, I won't force you to. I'll still love you. I love you.
-Alyce
.Monday 1 April 2013 ♫ 11:25 ♫
Ok so yesterday (i posted the post on midnight so i counted it as 1 Apr. This post is on 1:24 AM LOL. Counted as 2 Apr)
YESTERDAY. Fuck I love Nat. Nat like walked me home all the way from CWP to my block. We decide to like, buy cheezels and some drinks and lepak under the block to chat. Since we oh so love talking to each other.
So he started touching my arm and went like "fuck your skin's so soft. I'm jealous" And I'm like, touching his "yours isn't that roughhh". Hahahhaa. And like we were laughing at a picture together, he grabbed my arm and just laughed and leaned on me. AHHHHH -fans-
Then he let me try on his specs. Then when I wore it. He was like "Oh my god you're so cute and kissable. Can I kiss you?" I just screamed wtf and like laughed, but deep inside. Fahk, I want him to kiss me. Please kiss me next time. Oh god. Thank you for him. LOL.
Oh god and when he was going off. He asked me "Want a hug?" So we hugged. OMG. IT WAS SO. FUCKING. AWESOME. Cos he like, hugged me like a normal person (hand on the back) and the other hand was like gently holding the back of my head close to him. And fuck at that moment, I breathed in. Oh dear god his smell was like fucking heaven. Bloody hell.
How can one day be so nice? I don't know. But I fucking love it. Nathanael Khoo, I think I fucking love you. <3
-Alyce
Because 1 picture isn't enough to describe attaining happiness after 5 months.
