Shall not blog about the events that happened today. LINE play has all that good shit. 

So today people kept telling me to eat and shit....

Gaiz please. I'm trying to shed some useless shit i.e. my whole existence.

Still trying to kill myself at this age. Who am I kidding. Why can't I appreciate life like everyone else. Why am I still alive lol why isn't natural selection doing its job.

Why can't I die. Why couldn't that overdose kill me. Why am I still alive here. why am I still here typing all this?

And just putting myself through that torture of watching them converse as my insides cringe. I don't know anymore. I wasn't supposed to love or feel. I wasn't supposed to be human. I wasn't normal. I still am. I still feel envious. Everyone is so much better than me as a whole. I'm just here, still struggling not to kill myself. My own parents against me, my own friends. Everyone's just fighting with me. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. 

Read most of my past letters/notes/diary. Real interesting. I don't know man, I just. I just feel like sleeping, and never waking up. I won't have to worry about school, money, friends, family. I won't have to think. I won't have to find myself stranded, still lagging behind everyone. Then. well. Isn't that what death is? 

From: http://justbetti.tumblr.com/

Hello - Evanescence 

Hello.

I'm not sure how much I can take this anymore. 

My mum cooked dinner for my sis today. I was trembling, she never did anything. I told her I was hungry. She didn't budge, nor did my sis. And she goes on about how she doesn't favor one child over the other? Lies. I knew it anyway. Only when I started to walk to make my own dinner, then only did my sis tried to help. Fuck. I pushed her away. Why are you only trying to help now? You just wanted to look good in front of mum, don't you? You're already in her good books, don't you go fucking overboard. I don't need your fake pity. You know something? I bet, even if I starved to death, none of you would care anyway. Because I wasn't supposed to be fucking born in the first place. It was supposed to be Syahirah, not me, right? 

You never wanted a child like me. You never needed me. I was never the plan. I spoilt everything for you. I was ruining everything for everyone. I was a hindrance more than a blessing. I was never meant to be fucking alive. But me killing myself would tarnish the family name, wouldn't it? Why? I wasn't even part of this fucking family in the first place, why would you care? Not like any of you would fucking miss me.

Fine. That was fine. 

Vincent was talking to me on Twitter, and that made me happy. I mean, someone, talking to me. Happily. With no intention at all. But everyone had to ruin all that for me..

Calling me a flirt. 

Taking him away from me.

They couldn't even spare him. 

Even CJ. He's back. But never talked to me. I bet it's not me he's missing. I bet he just wants to hug some other girl he met, and he doesn't really care about me anymore.

Maybe I'm not meant to live with friends and all, you know. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Vincent doesn't want me anymore now. I give up. I'm done here. These thoughts won't leave my head now. It's getting worse. I'm growing weak to them. Not sure how much longer I'm able to keep myself alive anymore. 

Will I wake up to live? Will I still be able to move when I do? Will I let myself sleep nicely though? Or will I kill myself just like I've been wanting to 5 years ago? 

Can I just die? Please..?

-Syaikhah

Poly has been meh. Lots of shit I cannot take but ok la. So far. Don't think I wanna transfer course anymore, since Buqairy's leaving us already. Sigh.

YESTERDAY CALVIN FED ME OIGNAWRSJHKNERSOH I CANNOT. 

So today ah. A lot of happy things since this one bitch isn't there :) 

Firstly drawing class and all. My drawing can be touched up and shit. But I'll re-do it. 

After that we went Bugis (Izzy, Sundram, Peng Hng, Yiming, Ashley, Wei. Mato took the train with us) to the LoL event thing. But it was bloody crowded :') So we wanted to eat laksa instead. But EXPENSIVEEEE. So Inez brought us to go eat at MOF (her workplace). She tried to treat us dessert, and Ashley felt bad so we all had to pay == Stupid sia. We can treat her next tiem whattttt. There, Calvin and Vincent (i.e. Calvin's bestie) joined us, and Sundram, Yiming left after we're done with the food. So we went to the arcade and stuff. They played. 

Fucking Inez go ask me play the 4D horror game (fine with that btw. I've always wanted to play it) then when I sat inside leh, THEY GO PUSH CALVIN IN. FUCK MY LIFE. I WANTED TO PLAY. OWESKGNRGSOHNSDOFL. Serious shit. What, they expect me to freak out and hug Calvin and shit? LOL NO PLS. I WANT PLAY THE GAME LEH :((( I SAD SIA HAHAHAHA. But the experience shiok leh. Can't wait to play it on my own/with a friend :) My legs were seriously jelly.

I talked a bit more to Vincent here about. Pervert shit like trying to fuck the rilakkuma LOL. He gave Izzy and I bubble wrap to play with. I don't know why but we were fucking entertained for at least 10+ minutes LOL. Uhhhh then. We went off to accompany Mario, Calv and Vincent to nomnom at Mcdonalds. Chatchat and all. 

Then we went to buy beer to use for lepaking. I bumped my head onto Vincent's shoulder (which I do to everyone, really). He looked at me, viceversa. Then he hugged me out of nowhere. I was liek wtf is happening, and see Izzy screaming and shit (her feels. It's her feels.) Wei left after we bought the beer (it was around 6pm at this point, getting late and shit). So Izzy and I followed the trio to Dhoby to lepak at SOTA.

Lepak-ing was fun. Guitar, talking, singing, bitching and all that good stuff. Eeeep. Yeahhhh. So uhm then we went home together around 10. All going the same way but I live the furthest :') Sigh. Anyway, then Mario talked A LOT. I almost never notice Vincent trying to alight LOL. And I remembered owing him a hug (dunno when he asked for it. CANNOT REMEMBER SIGH). So I did the bro hug thing (you know, use one arm and wrap around the person's shoulders/neck there). Cos of my bag, he cannot hug my bag. He go grope my ass leh omg ._. LOLOLOLOL. DAMN FUNNY. THEN I WAS LIEK, WHY YOU DO THAT SIA. "Restricted!!" But nvm ah, forgive him. First meeting and we've held hands, hugged and groped D': Walaooooo HAHAHAH. I THINK I'M TOO OPEN ALREADY.

Then Mario went off around Braddell/Toa Payoh. So left me and Calv and Izzy. DAMN AWK OMG HAHAHA. I said to Calv that Vincent's cool and all. "Trying to hit on my best friend?" LOL NO. YOUR FRIEND MOREST ME LEH :( WHAT SIA. AHAHAHHA. Anyway, then Izzy wanted us to hug and shit I'm liek, no, group hug pl0x. So we hugged Izzy HAHAHAH. SO CUTE. Then I told Calv to hug just to make her happy and he's liek "Make YOU happy righttt" LOL. HOW YOU KNOW. HAHAHA IHFNAOJDZBHSODLH I cannot. I just. eapisgdnerdofhbnsdg

OK SO IZZY AND I TALKED ABOUT HOLS AR, WANNA GO OUT FOR MOVIE OR SMTH. SRS SHIT. MUST DECIDE. OK. SO YEAH.

Went home to eat pizza and shit cos I never eat much :3 Good. But I couldn't finish the pizza (maybe it was the beer..) so I let bro take it lor. TIRED NOW K. GOOD NIGHT :D