I didn't complete my plan. I was too much of a coward to. Riz intervened. I couldn't do much. I.... I've always wanted someone to stop me.. Even if it's time and again. Even if it's the person I hated. I wanted someone to slap me in the face and tell me things, like they need me and I shouldn't leave em alone.
It never happened. The world is selfish. But not selfish enough to have a reason for me to stay.
I'm writing this a day after. Kept dozing off thanks to the tablets.. Let's try and use another drug next time... Or just cut. I don't even care anymore. Promises or what. If they hurt my feelings on purpose again.. I will do it. No hesitations this time. Those two have played with me enough.
I'll buy a blade on Thursday. To hold onto. Just in case.
~Alyce
I told myself that I should be writing down my feelings more often. So this happened.
When you've decided to finally open your heart to him
When you've finally realised he's all you need.
Then he shows the true side of him
He betrays that trust
He destroys your perfect vision of him
He hurts you
Even after you told him
"Don't leave me alone."
They're together now. I hope she's happy. I hope he's happy. Because I'm not. And never will be.
Today I snapped. Why? Because they can take away my happiness, they can take away my grades, they can take away my friends. But they can't take away the only thing that keeps me sane, they can't take away my blades.
I am down. I am sad. I am thrown around like a piece of shit. But yet it really doesn't matter at all. Because it's not like I'm a human with feelings at all. I fucking hate people. They keep making me promises that they can't keep, they keep giving me false hope, they keep playing with me. I don't get it.. Is it really fun? Do I really deserve this? I guess I do.. Since I'm getting it so much.
I guess from now I won't be doing much anymore. Won't be hanging much with the group anymore. I don't need to. I don't want to. If it hurts. It hurts. Why must I continue to pretend that I'm fine with them? I know I'm not. I didn't come into contact with Viv and Sean much when that happened, so I guess I'll do the same here. Just leave em be lol.
Just can't stop feeling so shitty. I don't know why. It's like I've lost all meaning to life :') It doesn't matter anymore.. I'm gone. I'm dead. I'll let Rui take over my thoughts now.
...
Now playing some game with YK, Viv, Ben, Ivan, Edward. It's funny as fuck. I guess it cheered me up somehow.
I don't know why I keep getting upset these days. Like really crying on the spot. Sigh.
Maybe I do know. Actually. Yeah. I DO know. I'm just sad and unwanted. Hahahah unwanted like Bryan. Hey at least I realised it.
Everyone has someone who will take care of them. I mean . Joey has Calvin. Sundram has group 1. Weiqiang has Isabelle. Isabelle has Vincent. Vivian has Ben. And I'm just here like. Who the hell needs me? I don't need to stay alive for anyone right? Why am I living then? What's the point to my existence?
I want to make people happy. But am I really? I... I think it's safe to die now.
So uh yeah I'm updating for now.
Not much happened. Ok, maybe a lot of things that I can't remember. Now me and Izzy are closer to Vincent, somewhat. Like, friends. But yeah. Hm I made a new friend (or grew closer to.) Geof and stuff. He's a nice guy really. Don't know why he calls himself a jerk? Maybe it's just an Aquarius thing?? :\ Can never imagine us together I mean we're the same horoscope, that's crazyyyy. Buthesmellsniceandhe'sreallyreallyhotandomfgcanieathim
Calvin nothing much. Nothing new. Nothing nice. Nothing bad. Just meh. Hugs don't feel special anymore, I might as well go without it. I think he likes Joey and vice versa. Hm. If they get together, hope they last long or something. Blessings and shit. Don't really care. Blablabla.
Joey made me kiss her and shit. And I'm liek ok what's the harm in that. Now I have to kiss her every time we go off. I am confused. I hope she doesn't develop feelings, that'll be awkward. I don't think she will though.
Ramadan starts tomorrow. Oh god why. Er. Yeah. Just updating. Kthxbye
