.Saturday 31 August 2013 ♫ 10:55 ♫
Omg okay so today was STGCC. Nothing much happened. Talked with Chun Hwee a bit. Still the same guy LOL. Whole time I was distracted by my phone though >.> I'm sorry but Geof. AHHH.Ok so Andrew had to leave at 3 with Chun Hwee. They go off to Rasapura to eat (Andrew gave me a Dora plushie...) I went back to hunt for Geoffffff. So yeah. We decided to eat (cos he was hungry) so I told him to go Dhoby to eat if he wants fast food. So we goes to Plaza Sing to eat. He asked what I wanted to eat, but I couldn't eat cos I had no money. He got food and kinda forced me to eat some of his fries T_T Sigh I feel so fat. Anyway. Then we went home on the train together. And like lotsa shit we talked about and stuff we did (I swear, we're like 10 year olds). We got seats. I gave him the other phone strap (the brown one). We were laughing cos he couldn't put it on his phone anywhere. It was so nice to see his smile live and up close like that, all the more reason because I was the one who made him smile. I swear my heart just skipped not only one, but one thousand beats. It was like I was in heaven!
Then bam, Woodlands. Oh god. So I hugged him goodbye. I almost kissed his cheek but I. I. I. AHHHH. CANNOT. So I just bumped my head on his cheek instead OTL. He was liek watwat. And I'm liek ahh nothing, just too shy. So I went off. And I couldn't stop smiling. God help me. I'm literally crying tears of joy right now. I can't stop smiling. Can't stop being happy. Time spent with him was just. Awesome. I wish I could be with him everyday. Sigh but now it's the holidays and I need to come up with excuses to go out with him :\ I'll find a way. I hope. Sigh. I really just wanna be held in his arms until day darkens to night. I want to be able to just breathe in his scent instead of oxygen. I just need to be able to hold his fingers and intertwine them with mine. I want to be mesmerized just by looking at his eyes gaze back at mine. I want to matter to him just like he does to me.
Sigh but I know it'll never happen. I thought it did when I fell for CJ but it never really did, he never felt the same for me. I don't want to go through the same thing again... I guess I'll just hold it back. In case he pretends to like me back out of pity just like CJ did. This is enough for me to be happy and not cut for a long long time. Dear God, please don't take this memory away from me.
-Syaikhah
Bleh I drew him
.Wednesday 28 August 2013 ♫ 06:53 ♫
Idk why but I feel like a third wheel. Like everything. Like. Just. I feel like I'm just disturbing Geoff and I just. I think he and Bee have something going on and I'm in the way. Should I be ignoring him from now on? He deserves better. Rather than having an annoying brat like me disturbing him.
It's so quiet. He's so quiet. I don't know what anything means. I don't know if he's angry or happy. I don't know. It's frustrating. Even if I mean so little to him.. why do I care so much? Why do I like him so much?..
Fml
.Sunday 25 August 2013 ♫ 11:01 ♫
No he doesn't like me. Stop telling yourself he does. Compared to every other person in his life, what are you worth? Nothing. NOTHING. Can you imagine not meeting him? Things would be so much better for him. He would be so much happier now without you.Why did you fall for him? Why must you make his life so miserable? Why must you pester him every single day with your stupid texts? Why are you such a FUCKING BURDEN? Why can't you just leave him alone... Why couldn't you just die at that moment, why didn't you jump off sooner? Because you'd think he'll call because he cared? Because he loves you?
He doesn't. No. He was told to call you. Because he was the only person who could fix it.
He wished he wasn't.
Everyone wished so.
Why do you still bother? Why do you still want him? Why do you still love him? Why can't you just let him go? Why can't you just leave him alone? Why are you such a pest? Why are you such a parasite to him? You could've just been dead. Why didn't you? Sure he cares but haven't you considered the fact that you annoy him everyday to the point where he has no choice but to care? Fucking annoying twat. Why won't you die. Why can't you die. Why are you still alive. Why can't you just fucking stop breathing. Just fucking go die already why must you be here still. Why couldn't Syahira just take over your place. Why couldn't you be the dead one instead. Why are you still alive here.
You don't deserve any happiness. You don't deserve anything good out of life. You just need to die. You need to die. You need to fucking DIE. Just leave the poor boy alone already.
-Rinko
.Tuesday 20 August 2013 ♫ 09:15 ♫
I cut again. Idk. jealous and shit. Blabla. Didn't stop bleeding. My cuts are getting deeper now... And I bought a new blade. Mint greeeeeen.Sigh. Kia Seng follow me on twitter like finally today. Then I said hi la. Then exchanged numbers cos he asked for it. Never thought it was weird. Then he asked if we could go out one day. I asked why. He had bad news to tell me. "..Don't die?" He said he was sorry.
...
What is this shit.
Wow God, thanks for throwing this into my face.
Really needed more shit to crop up.
Really.
... ... Sigh.
Ok now I can't stop crying. I wish no one had to die. I wish I wouldn't see any of my friends die before me. Not that I want them to suffer in this world, but it's just that. I don't want to live without them. I don't want anyone disappearing. Not now. Not while we're all hitting 18 and shit. Not when we've finally been this patient to reach this age. Not after enduring so much to live this long.
That's just cruel. Why is He doing this again? Why must everything and everyone be so fragile? Why can't I keep everyone here, alive and well? Why must everyone be sad, hurt. Is what I'm doing not enough for You? Is what I'm doing not enough of a sacrifice to ensure everyone will live happily?
Don't give me bullshit that the afterlife is better. How do you know. How do you know it won't hurt when he does. How would you fucking know that he won't go through an immense amount of pain to move to the other side? Has no one considered that? It isn't going to be painless. It's going to hurt. I don't want it to hurt for anyone. Why. Why is it so unfair? Why. One by one shit is being thrown into my face. WHY. WHY!? Why must you take all these away from me? Why can't you just keep everything the way it fucking is? Why must you hurt other people. WHY. Leave them alone. ...
-Syaikhah
Looks like period blood hahahaha but it's so runny.
.Monday 19 August 2013 ♫ 06:28 ♫
I cried on Geoff today. He wanted to cry too. Im just. Sigh. I hate seeing him with other girls. ....why can't he be that way with just me. Well maybe thats because we aren't even together. Fucking hell. Sigh. So mad. So angry at myself. ....
-Alyce
.Saturday 17 August 2013 ♫ 00:01 ♫
SomesongthingOk so yesterday was 16 August. I'm going to type about that today.
So first of all.
I didn't ignore you guys ok. I don't ignore people unless they piss me the fuck off, or they ignore me first. In the first place I wouldn't be texting you or anything.
Secondly, I don't sit with you guys. Ok it didn't start that way ok. First I ask Wei to sit with us, he said no repeatedly. I threaten to cut also he still won't move. Fuck. Ok. Liddat lor. Leave you lor. Even if I offer to seat slightly away from them you still don't want. Ok fine. It's what you want, I respect that.
I see you two eat alone together. Ok. Isabelle asked if I wanted to sit with them. First of all, I haven't eaten lunch with her ever since the project started. I ate with you already. So of course I say I want to be with her. You ask me why I with them. No, I am not with THEM. I'm just with Isabelle. Did you not see I never even talk to THEM much. I'm also just fangirling over Geof's arms ok. So sexy.
Back to the topic. Everyone was so fucking busy after lunch was over so we didn't go around as per usual. So I cannot go over and say hi to you also. At 5.30 I had to go home because shit cropped up and I have to call people. A friend came back and I have to make sure everything's fine and he owed me an explanation. So I went home immediately. Coincidence when Geof and Benedict went home on the same train as me. You could say, he made my day better.
I fell asleep soon after things were settled because I've been sleeping at 3am in the morning trying to keep Vivian company while Ben was away so that she doesn't get depressed. The night before was Andrew passing me Batman comics to read so I had to stay awake. I have to wake up at 6 because I live so fucking far from YCK. So ok. Sleep. I needed sleep. You thought I was ignoring you. Bitch, if I was, you would see me tweeting everywhere except replying you.
This. This is one classic example of why I can't be bothered anymore. You know. Because you guys are so fucking stubborn. I can't be bothered to even continue trying to help. Why can't you just let things go? We're all stuck in the same class for 3 years. Just accept that ok, sometimes you can't see things the same way as, let's say, Calvin or Isabelle or Joey or Yiming or whoever else in the clique. Ok maybe you can't stand Calvin's arrogance, or Joey's voice, or Isabelle's madness, or Shawn's awesomeness (idk). But can't you just bypass all those negative traits and just let them in a lil? I don't tell them ALL my problems or shit either. They don't need to know that. It's not that I need them, I just am friends with them. Not like I share their views.
Fine I may be better at acting than you guys. But that doesn't mean you have to avoid them. They're all more extroverted than I am. I don't hate you guys. I love you two because we're all the same thinkers, we're all outcasts. I can never leave you peeps. But I just. Sometimes there are things we can't agree on. And well. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry my pov is different and I'm way more open-minded than you are.FUCK. I'm sorry for that. Sorry for not having enough time to care for the both of you. Sorry I'm a useless fuck. I go cut now ok. Sorry.
-Alyce.
.Tuesday 13 August 2013 ♫ 09:09 ♫
Yay I cut again.
But it's deeper than normal. And it hurt for real. Even if I did it all fast, it got deep. Cos the skin stretched. I'm scared I'll have to stitch it back. That's scary. Needles are scary. I'm scared.
Why did I cut this time? Sigh.
I guess my jealousy got the better of me again. Anger too. Just... real angry at how I'm almost a speck of dust sometimes. If I wasn't so fucking FAT then maybe I would be unnoticed too. Everyone's already starting on the game and my group's still researching. Gosh we already have ideas, why aren't we acting on it? Why do we have to laze around and slow progress down? We can finish this fast but no, they want to take their own sweet time. 3 weeks ain't that long dammit. We have 7+ hours to work on our SP, but you chose to utilise only a mere 5 hours. The rest of the time, you go off to your little clique to have fun. What are me, Zoey, and Xin Yi doing? Work work work, research research research. For what? I have no fucking idea either. Xin Yi and I have already come up with a couple of plans for the game and we were planning to discuss with you. But you're so fucking stubborn to not want to start on even a basic game concept/context/whatshit. 2nd day and we haven't even progressed much from yesterday. Zzz.
Jealousy part. Meh. I guess I can't stand looking at Geoffrey talking so happily with them. I mean, yeah they're closer cos they're a clique and all. It just. Sigh. I mean she's so much more attractive than I am. What am I compared to her? If I disappear, would he even give a damn? Would he even care? If I stopped talking to him one day, would he notice?
Sigh. Wanted to actually talk to Calvin about it since I have to get this all off my chest but... When I came out of the toilet, I saw him and Joey hugging. Then remembered she needs him. I.. I guess it's a sign? I shouldn't be talking about my problems to anyone. I should continue cutting to cope. I'll turn 18 next year. I'll be able to smoke, use addiction as an excuse. I can get drunk and hopeless on the streets or something. Ugh.
Why can't I talk to people about my shit. It's not like they're all big problems anyway. I mean, I can type a lot of shit here, but why can't I talk to people like this? I guess, I'm used to fading into the background. There HAS to be someone there, I guess it was me. It'll always be me. Because everyone is so much better than me. I'm disgusting. I cut, I cry, I talk shit. Argh. Natural selection, please kill me kay thanks.
Find myself thinking way too little at night. Just Geof and Viv in my head before I faint lol. Used to be more. What the fuck happened. Sigh. I guess that's enough for today. Hopefully my arm will be ok. God bless everyone.
-Alyce
.Thursday 8 August 2013 ♫ 11:36 ♫
I guess. I should say.I post pictures whenever I cut. Yes. Why? Cos I keep track of it. I used to do it in my phone. Just leave it in a folder with the dates on em so I know when I did it. If it's happening too often, I stop. If it's not done in a few weeks, I get happy, slightly. Now that I know this blog is only read by a few people (I think Syafiqah and Sundram). I guess it's safe to put it up here.
And for now. I risk getting cuts all over my left arm now. This perfectionist feeling to cover it with cuts cos there's already a lot, it's like. Asking me to. Then I ask myself, "how am I going to hide this from everyone?" ...It's going to be hard. I don't wear long sleeves everyday. I can't be wearing a jacket when the sun's out shining in my face.
It's my ventilation. It's where I breathe. Cutting's the only thing that really makes me feel better, more than talking to people about it. I'm serious... I don't know why either. Must be because I've done it for so long already. Everyone tries to stop me. But do they even try and ask me, why? Do they bother about it? They just want me to stop. But why can't they try to find out WHY I won't stop? I don't know either, but maybe a counselor or psychiatrist might.
But no, my parents don't want me being sent to them. I need them most now. But they won't let me see a counselor. Because I'm not "crazy". No mum, I'm not crazy. I'm dead. I want to be alive again. But you're not letting me. I want to get better. I want to get well. But you didn't bother getting help for me to get better. Why?.. Is it because I'm not perfect?
-Alyce
.Wednesday 7 August 2013 ♫ 09:56 ♫
Fucking frustrated. Everything's piling onto me now. Broke down in the toilet while talking to Geof on whatsapp. Fucking hate being the introvert fucking hate myself. Never watched the movie. Wanted to for so fucking long. Fuck. Fuck them. So upset that i cut again. Fuck right?
Joseph was sexy today. Hahhha. K bye.
-Alyce
.Tuesday 6 August 2013 ♫ 12:20 ♫
I can't stand fucking people not having their priorities set. I mean cmon, we still have a fucking assignment to finish. Can't you finish it first and then go off? This has been going on for days. It's always just Isabelle and me doing the work. Fuck, ok you've been doing your work and shit, but now we need your help to transfer shit and stuff then you tell me you need go off early? How the fuck do you expect to go off early if you can't fucking help us do the job quickly?Rants aside, I'm super tired today. Was. I guess it must be the 2 nights worth of fatigue catching up to me. Ugh. I hate it so much. My body's like fucking weak. I hate it I hate it I hate it! Pathetic piece of life form ==
I don't wanna do more work. I want to sleep actually. A lot. Till I won't wake up. Ever. Hhaahahahaha. Well tomorrow's movie time. Let's hope I don't cut myself tomorrow. GOOD NIGHT
.Monday 5 August 2013 ♫ 11:04 ♫
Not deep, but good enough to feel the sting and see the blood. I'm happy enough.
Desfun presentation is over. Blablabla. I don't really care at this point. Just tired from everything.
Brother didn't like the present I bought him. Sigh.. but he liked the shitty one my sis gave him. Not biased, my ass. Fucking liar. Parents are finding fault with me too nowadays. Ugh. It's like everyone's against me now. It's just so taxing. I don't want to wake up anymore, just wanna lie down in bed and curl up into a ball. Even Geof ignored me today in the evening. Never felt so invisible...
Nothing much to say now. Just... really tired. Really shouldn't be awake and alive now but eh, what do. At least people won't see the cuts now since they're hidden up my sleeve. And I'm not one to wear tank tops anyway yay. Let's hope all my shirt sleeves are long enough lol.
I guess that's it for now. Besides lying to people that I'm doing nothing and I'm fine. Nothing much really. Sigh. Good night.
-Alyce
