.Sunday 29 September 2013 ♫ 11:32 ♫
I'm sad. I'm very sad. And I don't like it one bit. Cj is gonna go for camp on 1st to 3rd oct... who knows what he'll do in that time... and we're not attached. Thats what scares me. He cant tell people "i have a girlfriend, please dont bother me." No.. he can't. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to get attached... so that he can be loose. So he can fuck anyone he wants. ... well..
I guess maybe i found a reason on why i'm sad. So let it be. I guess i'll relapse tomorrow. Gonna head to popular to get a penknife. Then maybe camp in the toilet to cut. Hahahah. Recovery. Whats that? Im not sick. Cutting isn't wrong. It helps me. It distracts me from being sad. I won't be sad anymore if i cut. I won't cry anymore.. no more tears..
He doesn't really love me does he..? I.. I fell for the trap again. I guess I should be punishing myself. So letsee if I manage to cut again tomorrow. Let's see if i manage to go out tomorrow. Let's cut again. Because i miss the blood running down my arm. I miss the taste of it. I miss being hurt by the blade. I miss killing my soul.
-Alyce
.Saturday 21 September 2013 ♫ 13:58 ♫
Today's 22nd Sept. Tomorrow's 23rd Sept. My dad's birthday. And also, a month from my "suicide attempt" per se.This whole month has been a real bumpy ride lately. Nothing but disappointment after disappointment. I was happy.. only for a bit. I guess it's just STGCC.
I don't know why people save others from suicide when they're not going to care for the person when they're going to stay alive. I don't know. Maybe I'm expecting too much from people. From Geof especially. I guess he's worn out now. I guess he's tired of me now. I guess.. he doesn't want me anymore then. Guess I'll stop talking to him now and leave him alone. I mean. He has his life to live, right? And it's not like I mean any more than a mere friend to him now.
I don't serve any use now to him. I guess it's time to let go of him. And I guess it wouldn't even matter to him. We were never meant to be together. Even if it hurts me to say this now, there's no denying the truth anyway. But I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to be nothing to him anymore. I want to mean something to him. I want to be his everything. I love him. I really do. And typing all that with just my eyes closed.. (I'm just boasting my blind typing ability) But all jokes aside. I really just need him.
But it sucks you know? Loving someone who doesn't know what emotions exist within you. And I need him to know every time I become upset, sad, angry, happy. How would i live then, with someone who doesn't read emotions? Like I said. ISTJs and INFJs were never meant to be together. We're both the same horoscopes too it'll probably mess up or some shit. I just. I don't know. I want to see reasons. I want reasons not to love him anymore. But I just... He gave me those reasons before. And yet still... I want to love him. And that was a mistake on my part anyway. Meh
MEH. Whatever fuck my life anyway it's fucking ruined in the first fucking place. I was never meant to be fucking alive anyway. That's why everything's so fucked now and I fucking hate everyone. Because I was never supposed to be here. Even my fucking family fucking abandoned me to myself. What does it matter if I'm home and nobody acknowledges my fucking existence anyway? Fucking hate my brother, fucking hate my mum, fucking hate my sis, fucking hate my dad. Fucking hate the school, fucking hate my class, fucking hate everyone who talks to me. Why the fuck can't you all just fucking kill me already? Why doesn't anyone fucking understand that it hurts just to fucking breathe when I have no reason to anyway? Why the fuck do you all think I stay awake at night and sleep in the day? So I don't have to fucking put up with any of your fucking bullshit love and care.
Everyone has a fucking reason to fucking live. I fucking don't. I'm pretty much dead already. Just take it away. Nobody would fucking care anyway just fucking take it. COS I'M FUCKING DONE AND CRAZY ALREADY. I GIVE UP. HELLO WELCOME BACK DEPRESSION JUST FUCK ME UP AS USUAL, WHY DON'T FUCKING YOU.
.Sunday 15 September 2013 ♫ 13:36 ♫
Cj is being a fucking annoying prick these days. Now he's trying to learn how to be an introvert. He took the mbti test and got ISFJ. How fucking stupid and annoying is that == 44% introvert only, I take it as if he's still extrovert. Fucking annoyingHe goes on about how I feel the same way as he does. Fuck. stop it. That's disgusting. Who wants to be like you. N-O-B-O-D-Y. I fucking hate how he is trying to associate me with him. it's fucking disgusting. Fucking irritating. and fucking annoying. I fucking hate him so fucking much why can't he just go away. orsngseotdkfnbeod. I told him to fuck off and he's still rambling down there. FUCKING IRRITATING.
"Am I disgusting?" NO YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Just learn to shut the fuck up. Learn to fucking ask for things properly. LEARN TO FUCKING STOP. HE'S STILL GOING ON AS I SPEAK. 4AM I SAID "I want to be alone." 4.15AM NOW HE'S STILL GOING ON ABOUT HOW HE'S FUCKING STUCK IN THE PAST BLABKLABLABALBAALALABLABABLAA. FUCk
It's all your own fault. You were the one who cheated on me. You were the one who left me fucking alone. Don't you act as if you did nothing wrong. IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT. Because you didn't try to fix the broken bulb in the house. You chose to move to another house. Fucking coward. I hope in the future you'll never find happiness because you'll never learn to cherish what you have. Your fucking ramblings ain't gonna make me pity you or make anything right. You're just fucked. I hope you enjoy your stay in fuckedup-ville.
Other than that. Sigh. Today Geof didn't have much of a convo with me. I guess it's his alone day today. Or something. Sigh I'm just sad we didn't talk as much, while me and that bastard had so much to talk about (more of him, but meh.). Geof :( Sigh why do I love him so much, next semester we're not going to be in the same class anymore... I don't want that -sobs- I want to rest my head on his lap again. I want to lay on his shoulder on the way back home again. I want to be able to wrap my arm around his. I want to be able to see him smile. That makes me super happy. I love Geof. I think it'll kill me one day. Oh well.
-Alyce
