.Sunday 13 October 2013 ♫ 14:27 ♫
Hello again. There has been several things in my mind recently. I haven't had the slightest bother to even think about them lately. But recently, I've spent too much time with myself. I guess that was the trigger needed to kill me.
I was watching Supernatural with my sis. Bro came back from work or something. Then he came into the room to give my sis chocolate. Specifically her. I guess that's what sorta started it. Favoritism. What a powerful thing it is; actions I mean. The way people behave can affect another person so much. I guess I saw it a long time ago. I was becoming detached from everyone and everything. I made these walls myself. I closed everyone off on my own. I guess that's the price I paid. Though I kept everyone else away, I let just one person in... Someone who doesn't even realize he is the only person who knows everything in my head.
So then, later on in the evening, mum came into the room and told my sis to look in the living room for a surprise. I guess. I don't know. I was already upset with my brother coming in to give her chocolates. Everything was meant for her. She went out and saw sweet potato fries and came running back in screaming with joy. I tried to ignore her. She told me to go make tea. ..Great, I was being involved in this favoritism act. It must be nice to feel loved by everyone. I had no choice but to go ahead then. I ate in the room by myself. Not because I wanted to continue watching Supernatural, but because.. even if I went out there to eat with them, it's not like they would even notice I was there.
To top this day off, CJ hasn't been talking to me lately. I mean, he usually would. Talk to me a lot, about how everything was. How tiring it was. How he would go home and tell me all his plans. I guess he found someone else to share all that with. You know, I tried caring. I really did. It's not like I hated him or didn't care. I really do care. But why is it that every time I try to, he pushes me away and has someone else to do it for him? Why is that always the case? Why can't he just appreciate having me and treasure me? Why must he hurt me all the time like this? He knows what happens to me when I'm left alone. So why does he do this? Doesn't he know that I don't have many friends in this new school? Oh wait, he doesn't know how it feels to be lonely. He doesn't know how it feels to be left alone, no matter how hard you try to be nice to everyone and have them as friends.
I'm angry. Just really angry at everything, everyone. Just enough to want to kill them. But I can't. I know I can't. So I won't. Sooner or later, this anger will turn into bitter sadness. I know it will. And I'll probably cry myself to sleep. But until then, this wrath won't go away. Because I'm missing a step. I need to take this anger off my mind. I need to cut myself. Enough to see blood. Enough to hurt as I move. So tomorrow I'll go to school early and buy myself a blade. That same blade that created these deep scars. I'm tired. Tired of everything. I just wish I could cut deep enough to be hospitalized. But I don't think I can with these blades. Not good enough I suppose.
I can't sleep knowing he hasn't replied to me yet. I wonder why. I'm just upset I guess. Too upset to sleep. Geof is sleeping too, so I guess I'll leave him be. Even if I'll see him in lecture tomorrow, I don't know. I can't be noticed by him anyway. Might as well just leave it be. There must be someone else he sees as important, so I'll just leave him to that. Not like I mattered to him in the first place, I mean, on a scale of 1-10, I'd be a 2 to him. Enough to care a lil for, but not worth spending time with. Even though I know he's the only one who can make me really happy. Sometimes, happiness just isn't for some people eh?
I should be getting some sleep. There's a lecture a few hours from now. About 6 hours. I should be sleeping while I can. I hope I won't just spend 3 hours crying into my pillow thinking about my fucked up life. Maybe I will. They said family would always be there for you. Whoever said that lied terribly. I don't have many friends who're willing to listen to my thoughts and "over-thinking". I don't have anyone treating me as their number 1. No matter what I do, I'll always be the last choice. I guess it wouldn't matter much if I died, right...? It's not like I mattered. Not to him, not to Geof, not to my family. I'm just another passer-by to the whole world. To be replaced by someone more significant.
I love people. That pretty much just ends there.
-Alyce
