.Monday 30 December 2013 ♫ 12:41 ♫
It's the last day of the new year.
I'm drowning in my own walls. I don't know, I wrote a lot but deleted it off haha.
Basically. I just feel really empty these past few weeks. Going so far as to feel like i should be dead instead. I really don't know how I should be feeling or anything. I should be dead, that's all I can think of.
Lately, Viv has been feeling the pressure of Ben's upcoming stuff. And all I can do is.... watch. I can't comfort her, I can't assure her. I CAN DO NOTHING. I'm a horrible listening ear, a horrible friend, a horrible person. I can't even come up with the right words to say anything anymore. I can't tell her it'll be alright, cos it won't. We all know that. I've promised Ben I would take care of her, yet I can't even do that now. Nothing drives me closer to the will to die than my own uselessness. But it's okay, y'know. It's not like she needed me in the first place. All she need is Ben alone with her. I am nothing but a rock that passes by in her life.
One day I will leave her. That is for certain. One day, she will be devoted to someone else more and more. One day, I'll be gone, and she wouldn't even notice. I'm thankful though, to have met her. Yet at the same time, I feel like the cursed one to be hurt this way. I can't blame her really. I've created this whole map myself, and it is I who shall destroy it. My mind is nothing but a drastic storm waiting to crank my sanity all the way down.
And it is with this state of mind that I choose to keep with all the insults Yee Khang throws in my face. Am i that ugly? Am I that hideous? Am I that fat? Am I that worthless? He makes it sound like I'm a huge ogre trying to kill him. Even if I'm one...just leave me be... please.. Is insulting myself not enough? Do you have to add fuel to the flames? If I were to tell him I want to die, would he be one of those to cheer me on? I don't even want to bother fighting against him anymore. I'm done, I'm spent. Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to bleed, an excuse to bring myself to die.
I have to admit. I AM a horrid person. You know, one of those people you'd rather forget. I must be one of the worst kind of humans. I wonder if God even wants me anymore at this point of time. I can't forgive myself for giving in this easily, but I can't fight my own will. I've been looking endlessly at suicide methods, rates, gifs of people dying. I've been thinking about it so much, I'm about to be driven crazy. If I'm dead, I don't have to answer my own questions. I won't have to live for a purpose or goal. I don't even have one. What's the point of living then? I can't even feel human anymore.
I'm done with life now. I don't know what I'll do. This last day of 2013, I'll spend it thinking about my birthday. Will I live till then? Will I go by the days without scars on my arms? Will I be able to breathe to blow out the candles? Would people care?
Do people care at all? I find that question appearing everywhere. It seems that I'm being ignored a lot of times. "Knowing but not known." Is what I tell myself everyday. I know they're there, but they don't. Are they doing this on purpose, or am I just THAT insignificant to people?
Will they notice if I don't come to school one day? The answer was no, nobody did.
If I keep quiet, will they question my silence or acknowledge my presence? The answer is no, they never have.
When I cry quietly in a corner, will they come to console me? No, they never have.
And when I needed them.... were they ever there? ...no. None of them were.
Such is my life, that even I feel like I don't have any worth in this world. I'm such a waste of oxygen, space and resources. I should've been dead instead of her. Why didn't Syahirah live to be on Earth? Why can't I be the one dead instead? Why did I have to stay alive to experience all this pain and ignorance?
Alas, I can never find the answer to that. You might tell me to forgive myself. But no... I can't do that. I can never forgive a monster. Not one such as me. Never. And I'll continue going on this useless journey of life not knowing the end. I won't get up to be looking forward to anything. I'll spend the next year trying to find ways to bring myself peace and tranquility. Even if this means death, I do not fear. Life is only a hindrance to me. I don't need to disturb anyone in this life anymore. No more.
-Rinko
