.Saturday 18 January 2014 ♫ 12:52 ♫
I'm gonna say this first. I'm not able to hold back anymore. I've been holding everything in for way too long, I've been acting for far too long. I thought it would help me feel better, and give me a reason to find purpose in life. It never did. Nothing I did ever helped me. I only knew how to destroy myself, and I still know how to.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me these days. I don't blame my period, because the PMS only happens before I have it. It's not due to the fact I've been eating so little because I still felt the same when I ate normally. People are losing their drive in the course, I'm fucking losing my drive to live. I don't claim to have it worse than others, I don't want to. But at this point, I'm feeling my worst and I have no way to let it out anymore. I fucking miss Geof being there for me, I miss having someone to talk to without needing to worry about them leaving me. I miss being with people, but I fucking hate them at the same time. I hate people. I hate me.
I can't be bothered to do anything anymore. I can't be bothered to get up in the morning and live. I can't find the energy to do anything. But I'm literally forcing myself to do all these things and find enjoyment in them, and yet I'm still feeling the same after all this. I tried, I really did. I listened to Britney and watched her videos, I drew till my arm fell off, I slept till I couldn't do it anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't even know why I'm alive.
I'm scared. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living. I'm scared of every breath I take. I'm scared of everything around me. I'm scared of anything to happen to me while I'm alive. What if other people I love die before me? I don't want to live alone anymore. I don't want to wake up feeling alone ever again. I wish I was stronger than this, really. But I'm only pathetic and useless. I'm not supposed to be alive anyway.
I'll be turning 18 in less than two weeks. I have till then to decide whether I want to kill myself. And if I decide to, I'm sorry for everyone who's been there for me. I'm sorry your efforts went to waste. I'm sorry you ever met me. I'm sorry. I'm just a monster trapped in my own wasted wonderland.
-Rinko
.Thursday 2 January 2014 ♫ 13:26 ♫
EDIT: She is alive and well now :) She was sent to the hospital and now she's recovering at home
I'd like to dedicate this post to @ eating__probs on Twitter. May God find her peace.
On 2nd January, she decided to take her own life through the means of exsanguination (cutting her wrists). She intentionally did it deep and soon, her clear bath water became stained with her own blood. She said her final goodbyes on Twitter, and soon enough, we never heard from her again. I'm not sure if she was just in hospital and unable to go online, or if she really is gone. But whatever the case, I hope she's feeling better and I hope she finds peace. I don't like to believe in the after-life, but in this case, I wish there was one where she can truly be happy.
It's true that I myself have been considering this method of suicide. But nothing is more painful than seeing someone else do it, and successfully too. It hurts me to see someone else trying to escape this world in her own painful manner. It hurts me to see someone die. It pains me. It agonizes me. I'm truly sorry for what has happened to anyone who has felt this way. I'm so sorry the world isn't kind. I myself wish the world could be a better place, but alas, it never will be.
Shoutout to people who need someone desperately right now to tell them "Stay alive, I need you." Well right now, I want you to know, that I need you. No matter what. I have an ask.fm box on the side, please just talk to me if you want it anonymously. Heck, I have a twitter @ Bleach565. You can talk to me there too. Heck, I have a kik: riinko. Please, don't kill yourself yet. Let me be that friend. Let me be the one person you stay alive for. We'll be in different countries most likely. But whatever, let nothing be your boundaries. I have a skype, I have steam, I have facebook. I have so many platforms you can talk to me with. Please let me be the one to stop you from pulling the trigger.. or picking up the blade.. or jumping off a building. Please allow me to save you from your hell and demons.
No matter how irritating, or fucked up a person is, you're still a person. And I will love you all the same. I will love you regardless of your race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, opinions, mindset, past and looks. Fuck, even better if you think you're unattractive. Chances are, I'm as unattractive as you think you are.
I cannot make everyone happy, I cannot save everyone from death. But what I can do, is try. And that's what I'll do: to try and save whatever is left of your life. So please, hold on tight and never lose hope. Because I'm still alive too. And it's only for all of you.
-Rinko
