I'm gonna say this first. I'm not able to hold back anymore. I've been holding everything in for way too long, I've been acting for far too long. I thought it would help me feel better, and give me a reason to find purpose in life. It never did. Nothing I did ever helped me. I only knew how to destroy myself, and I still know how to.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me these days. I don't blame my period, because the PMS only happens before I have it. It's not due to the fact I've been eating so little because I still felt the same when I ate normally. People are losing their drive in the course, I'm fucking losing my drive to live. I don't claim to have it worse than others, I don't want to. But at this point, I'm feeling my worst and I have no way to let it out anymore. I fucking miss Geof being there for me, I miss having someone to talk to without needing to worry about them leaving me. I miss being with people, but I fucking hate them at the same time. I hate people. I hate me.

I can't be bothered to do anything anymore. I can't be bothered to get up in the morning and live. I can't find the energy to do anything. But I'm literally forcing myself to do all these things and find enjoyment in them, and yet I'm still feeling the same after all this. I tried, I really did. I listened to Britney and watched her videos, I drew till my arm fell off, I slept till I couldn't do it anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't even know why I'm alive.

I'm scared. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living. I'm scared of every breath I take. I'm scared of everything around me. I'm scared of anything to happen to me while I'm alive. What if other people I love die before me? I don't want to live alone anymore. I don't want to wake up feeling alone ever again. I wish I was stronger than this, really. But I'm only pathetic and useless. I'm not supposed to be alive anyway.

I'll be turning 18 in less than two weeks. I have till then to decide whether I want to kill myself. And if I decide to, I'm sorry for everyone who's been there for me. I'm sorry your efforts went to waste. I'm sorry you ever met me. I'm sorry. I'm just a monster trapped in my own wasted wonderland.

-Rinko

EDIT: She is alive and well now :) She was sent to the hospital and now she's recovering at home

I'd like to dedicate this post to @ eating__probs on Twitter. May God find her peace.

On 2nd January, she decided to take her own life through the means of exsanguination (cutting her wrists). She intentionally did it deep and soon, her clear bath water became stained with her own blood. She said her final goodbyes on Twitter, and soon enough, we never heard from her again. I'm not sure if she was just in hospital and unable to go online, or if she really is gone. But whatever the case, I hope she's feeling better and I hope she finds peace. I don't like to believe in the after-life, but in this case, I wish there was one where she can truly be happy.

It's true that I myself have been considering this method of suicide. But nothing is more painful than seeing someone else do it, and successfully too. It hurts me to see someone else trying to escape this world in her own painful manner. It hurts me to see someone die. It pains me. It agonizes me. I'm truly sorry for what has happened to anyone who has felt this way. I'm so sorry the world isn't kind. I myself wish the world could be a better place, but alas, it never will be.

Shoutout to people who need someone desperately right now to tell them "Stay alive, I need you." Well right now, I want you to know, that I need you. No matter what. I have an ask.fm box on the side, please just talk to me if you want it anonymously. Heck, I have a twitter @ Bleach565. You can talk to me there too. Heck, I have a kik: riinko. Please, don't kill yourself yet. Let me be that friend. Let me be the one person you stay alive for. We'll be in different countries most likely. But whatever, let nothing be your boundaries. I have a skype, I have steam, I have facebook. I have so many platforms you can talk to me with. Please let me be the one to stop you from pulling the trigger.. or picking up the blade.. or jumping off a building. Please allow me to save you from your hell and demons.

No matter how irritating, or fucked up a person is, you're still a person. And I will love you all the same. I will love you regardless of your race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, opinions, mindset, past and looks. Fuck, even better if you think you're unattractive. Chances are, I'm as unattractive as you think you are.

I cannot make everyone happy, I cannot save everyone from death. But what I can do, is try. And that's what I'll do: to try and save whatever is left of your life. So please, hold on tight and never lose hope. Because I'm still alive too. And it's only for all of you.

-Rinko

It's the last day of the new year.

I'm drowning in my own walls. I don't know, I wrote a lot but deleted it off haha.

Basically. I just feel really empty these past few weeks. Going so far as to feel like i should be dead instead. I really don't know how I should be feeling or anything. I should be dead, that's all I can think of.



Lately, Viv has been feeling the pressure of Ben's upcoming stuff. And all I can do is.... watch. I can't comfort her, I can't assure her. I CAN DO NOTHING. I'm a horrible listening ear, a horrible friend, a horrible person. I can't even come up with the right words to say anything anymore. I can't tell her it'll be alright, cos it won't. We all know that. I've promised Ben I would take care of her, yet I can't even do that now. Nothing drives me closer to the will to die than my own uselessness. But it's okay, y'know. It's not like she needed me in the first place. All she need is Ben alone with her. I am nothing but a rock that passes by in her life.

One day I will leave her. That is for certain. One day, she will be devoted to someone else more and more. One day, I'll be gone, and she wouldn't even notice. I'm thankful though, to have met her. Yet at the same time, I feel like the cursed one to be hurt this way. I can't blame her really. I've created this whole map myself, and it is I who shall destroy it. My mind is nothing but a drastic storm waiting to crank my sanity all the way down.

And it is with this state of mind that I choose to keep with all the insults Yee Khang throws in my face. Am i that ugly? Am I that hideous? Am I that fat? Am I that worthless? He makes it sound like I'm a huge ogre trying to kill him. Even if I'm one...just leave me be... please.. Is insulting myself not enough? Do you have to add fuel to the flames? If I were to tell him I want to die, would he be one of those to cheer me on? I don't even want to bother fighting against him anymore. I'm done, I'm spent. Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to bleed, an excuse to bring myself to die.



I have to admit. I AM a horrid person. You know, one of those people you'd rather forget. I must be one of the worst kind of humans. I wonder if God even wants me anymore at this point of time. I can't forgive myself for giving in this easily, but I can't fight my own will. I've been looking endlessly at suicide methods, rates, gifs of people dying. I've been thinking about it so much, I'm about to be driven crazy. If I'm dead, I don't have to answer my own questions. I won't have to live for a purpose or goal. I don't even have one. What's the point of living then? I can't even feel human anymore.

I'm done with life now. I don't know what I'll do. This last day of 2013, I'll spend it thinking about my birthday. Will I live till then? Will I go by the days without scars on my arms? Will I be able to breathe to blow out the candles? Would people care?



Do people care at all? I find that question appearing everywhere. It seems that I'm being ignored a lot of times. "Knowing but not known." Is what I tell myself everyday. I know they're there, but they don't. Are they doing this on purpose, or am I just THAT insignificant to people?

Will they notice if I don't come to school one day? The answer was no, nobody did.

If I keep quiet, will they question my silence or acknowledge my presence? The answer is no, they never have.

When I cry quietly in a corner, will they come to console me? No, they never have.

And when I needed them.... were they ever there? ...no. None of them were.

Such is my life, that even I feel like I don't have any worth in this world. I'm such a waste of oxygen, space and resources. I should've been dead instead of her. Why didn't Syahirah live to be on Earth? Why can't I be the one dead instead? Why did I have to stay alive to experience all this pain and ignorance?

Alas, I can never find the answer to that. You might tell me to forgive myself. But no... I can't do that. I can never forgive a monster. Not one such as me. Never. And I'll continue going on this useless journey of life not knowing the end. I won't get up to be looking forward to anything. I'll spend the next year trying to find ways to bring myself peace and tranquility. Even if this means death, I do not fear. Life is only a hindrance to me. I don't need to disturb anyone in this life anymore. No more.

-Rinko

Hello again. There has been several things in my mind recently. I haven't had the slightest bother to even think about them lately. But recently, I've spent too much time with myself. I guess that was the trigger needed to kill me.

I was watching Supernatural with my sis. Bro came back from work or something. Then he came into the room to give my sis chocolate. Specifically her. I guess that's what sorta started it. Favoritism. What a powerful thing it is; actions I mean. The way people behave can affect another person so much. I guess I saw it a long time ago. I was becoming detached from everyone and everything. I made these walls myself. I closed everyone off on my own. I guess that's the price I paid. Though I kept everyone else away, I let just one person in... Someone who doesn't even realize he is the only person who knows everything in my head.

So then, later on in the evening, mum came into the room and told my sis to look in the living room for a surprise. I guess. I don't know. I was already upset with my brother coming in to give her chocolates. Everything was meant for her. She went out and saw sweet potato fries and came running back in screaming with joy. I tried to ignore her. She told me to go make tea. ..Great, I was being involved in this favoritism act. It must be nice to feel loved by everyone. I had no choice but to go ahead then. I ate in the room by myself. Not because I wanted to continue watching Supernatural, but because.. even if I went out there to eat with them, it's not like they would even notice I was there.

To top this day off, CJ hasn't been talking to me lately. I mean, he usually would. Talk to me a lot, about how everything was. How tiring it was. How he would go home and tell me all his plans. I guess he found someone else to share all that with. You know, I tried caring. I really did. It's not like I hated him or didn't care. I really do care. But why is it that every time I try to, he pushes me away and has someone else to do it for him? Why is that always the case? Why can't he just appreciate having me and treasure me? Why must he hurt me all the time like this? He knows what happens to me when I'm left alone. So why does he do this? Doesn't he know that I don't have many friends in this new school? Oh wait, he doesn't know how it feels to be lonely. He doesn't know how it feels to be left alone, no matter how hard you try to be nice to everyone and have them as friends.

I'm angry. Just really angry at everything, everyone. Just enough to want to kill them. But I can't. I know I can't. So I won't. Sooner or later, this anger will turn into bitter sadness. I know it will. And I'll probably cry myself to sleep. But until then, this wrath won't go away. Because I'm missing a step. I need to take this anger off my mind. I need to cut myself. Enough to see blood. Enough to hurt as I move. So tomorrow I'll go to school early and buy myself a blade. That same blade that created these deep scars. I'm tired. Tired of everything. I just wish I could cut deep enough to be hospitalized. But I don't think I can with these blades. Not good enough I suppose.

I can't sleep knowing he hasn't replied to me yet. I wonder why. I'm just upset I guess. Too upset to sleep. Geof is sleeping too, so I guess I'll leave him be. Even if I'll see him in lecture tomorrow, I don't know. I can't be noticed by him anyway. Might as well just leave it be. There must be someone else he sees as important, so I'll just leave him to that. Not like I mattered to him in the first place, I mean, on a scale of 1-10, I'd be a 2 to him. Enough to care a lil for, but not worth spending time with. Even though I know he's the only one who can make me really happy. Sometimes, happiness just isn't for some people eh?

I should be getting some sleep. There's a lecture a few hours from now. About 6 hours. I should be sleeping while I can. I hope I won't just spend 3 hours crying into my pillow thinking about my fucked up life. Maybe I will. They said family would always be there for you. Whoever said that lied terribly. I don't have many friends who're willing to listen to my thoughts and "over-thinking". I don't have anyone treating me as their number 1. No matter what I do, I'll always be the last choice. I guess it wouldn't matter much if I died, right...? It's not like I mattered. Not to him, not to Geof, not to my family. I'm just another passer-by to the whole world. To be replaced by someone more significant.

I love people. That pretty much just ends there.

-Alyce

I'm sad. I'm very sad. And I don't like it one bit. Cj is gonna go for camp on 1st to 3rd oct... who knows what he'll do in that time... and we're not attached. Thats what scares me. He cant tell people "i have a girlfriend, please dont bother me." No.. he can't. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to get attached... so that he can be loose. So he can fuck anyone he wants. ... well..

I guess maybe i found a reason on why i'm sad. So let it be. I guess i'll relapse tomorrow. Gonna head to popular to get a penknife. Then maybe camp in the toilet to cut. Hahahah. Recovery. Whats that? Im not sick. Cutting isn't wrong. It helps me. It distracts me from being sad. I won't be sad anymore if i cut. I won't cry anymore.. no more tears..

He doesn't really love me does he..? I.. I fell for the trap again. I guess I should be punishing myself. So letsee if I manage to cut again tomorrow. Let's see if i manage to go out tomorrow. Let's cut again. Because i miss the blood running down my arm. I miss the taste of it. I miss being hurt by the blade. I miss killing my soul.

-Alyce

Today's 22nd Sept. Tomorrow's 23rd Sept. My dad's birthday. And also, a month from my "suicide attempt" per se.

This whole month has been a real bumpy ride lately. Nothing but disappointment after disappointment. I was happy.. only for a bit. I guess it's just STGCC.

I don't know why people save others from suicide when they're not going to care for the person when they're going to stay alive. I don't know. Maybe I'm expecting too much from people. From Geof especially. I guess he's worn out now. I guess he's tired of me now. I guess.. he doesn't want me anymore then. Guess I'll stop talking to him now and leave him alone. I mean. He has his life to live, right? And it's not like I mean any more than a mere friend to him now.

I don't serve any use now to him. I guess it's time to let go of him. And I guess it wouldn't even matter to him. We were never meant to be together. Even if it hurts me to say this now, there's no denying the truth anyway. But I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to be nothing to him anymore. I want to mean something to him. I want to be his everything. I love him. I really do. And typing all that with just my eyes closed.. (I'm just boasting my blind typing ability) But all jokes aside. I really just need him.

But it sucks you know? Loving someone who doesn't know what emotions exist within you. And I need him to know every time I become upset, sad, angry, happy. How would i live then, with someone who doesn't read emotions? Like I said. ISTJs and INFJs were never meant to be together. We're both the same horoscopes too it'll probably mess up or some shit. I just. I don't know. I want to see reasons. I want reasons not to love him anymore. But I just... He gave me those reasons before. And yet still... I want to love him. And that was a mistake on my part anyway. Meh

MEH. Whatever fuck my life anyway it's fucking ruined in the first fucking place. I was never meant to be fucking alive anyway. That's why everything's so fucked now and I fucking hate everyone. Because I was never supposed to be here. Even my fucking family fucking abandoned me to myself. What does it matter if I'm home and nobody acknowledges my fucking existence anyway? Fucking hate my brother, fucking hate my mum, fucking hate my sis, fucking hate my dad. Fucking hate the school, fucking hate my class, fucking hate everyone who talks to me. Why the fuck can't you all just fucking kill me already? Why doesn't anyone fucking understand that it hurts just to fucking breathe when I have no reason to anyway? Why the fuck do you all think I stay awake at night and sleep in the day? So I don't have to fucking put up with any of your fucking bullshit love and care.

Everyone has a fucking reason to fucking live. I fucking don't. I'm pretty much dead already. Just take it away. Nobody would fucking care anyway just fucking take it. COS I'M FUCKING DONE AND CRAZY ALREADY. I GIVE UP. HELLO WELCOME BACK DEPRESSION JUST FUCK ME UP AS USUAL, WHY DON'T FUCKING YOU.

Name: Alyce / Rinko
Age: 17
Birthday: 29011996
I'm female, I game, I draw, I cosplay
There's nothing much to say sometimes.

What I want.
-Love
-Good job
-Peace
-Sleep

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Melodies♫

.As long as you love me - Justin Bieber
.Angel with a Shotgun - The Cab
.Killing our Memories - Fable
.Pieces - Red
.If you cant hang - Sleeping with Sirens
.Suicide Note - Kyle Spratt
.When She Cries - Britt Nicole
.Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

Many Thanks♫

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