.Tuesday, 20 December 2011 ♫ 03:51 ♫
Stupid fucking steam. Goddangit. Everytime I open that fucking app, it doesn't let my mic work. And then what, it makes my bloody computer crash and shit bricks. God freaking dang it.
I just realised, according to her, she said to me, men are the same. Really? I didn't know, really. She said. They all treated me the same. Like En Wei said, he wished he wasn't like other men: Going for looks. Haha. Sometimes, I'm glad she's around to tell me such things. Really. I'm glad.
But then again. She remembers everything. Everything good, everything bad. It's sickening. It's... it's painful for me. It hurts a lot. To think about the past. To remember what hurt the most, what killed me. What made me into the person I am today. I wouldn't know actually. I forgot. She remembers them for me, I don't really care. When I need to cry, all she has to do is tell me about all things that made me cry so much in the past. I don't know if that's a good thing honestly. It's crazy.
She helped me so much throughout these years. Even if she tried to kill me a few times. I don't mind, really. It made me stronger. No one else knew me best, except her. She was mostly right too. Haha. Oh. Yay.
But sometimes she goes overboard. She won't shut up. She gets noisy. It's irritating. It's scary. To hear her all the time. Telling me, "It's not worth living this life anymore." I guess. Sometimes, she's right.
I feel like crying again. I have no idea why. I want to tell him... But I just... I can't say anything. It hurts, a lot, really. Something piercing my heart, though I don't know what. My throat, hurts. I just want to scream, forever. And sleep eternally, after that. How wonderful that sounds.. Then I can live in my own world again, like last time. Where sins didn't exist. Where God was my only love. Where I thought I was already in heaven.
Sadly. I can't go back. Even if this is a huge cycle I'm living in. There's no going back. I'm already grown up.
Maybe. Just maybe. There'll be a way back. I just have to find it again. Just maybe..
~Rinko
