.Thursday, 14 June 2012 ♫ 08:24 ♫
14 June 2012
I can't stop crying. Not anymore. I've been holding back too many tears for too long.
He doesn't want me to see what he feels anymore. He won't let me into his heart.
...Cried for an hour by myself. Vomited a couple of times. It really hurts. This feelings that I've built up by keeping quiet and holding back. I can't see through my tears.
I'm sorry. I was just scared you'll leave like daddy and mummy did. They almost did. Maybe you're right. It may be my parents' fault. I just don't want anyone abandoning me anymore for their selfish needs. I want love. I just wanted someone to love me proper. But I couldn't even do it for myself, what more of others for me?
Silly me. I just miss your pats on my head, that made me assured and feel accepted. I miss your hugs where I feel protected from all the world's dangers. I miss your soft pecks when I cried and it all made me forget what I cried about. I wish you were here with me, comforting me now, about how I never ruined your life and instead made you a better person. It's all never coming back.
I can feel your frustrated sighs through your messages whenever I get angry and tell you that I hate you. It was all out of anger, I swear. I regret it so much, because I don't really mean it. I only love you. I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to think of anyone else's lives, just mine and how pathetic of a girl I am. I want the assurance, protection and love back. Why is it so difficult for me to get it all back...? Why do I keep thinking you have someone else when it's not true...?
En Wei, I let the poor bird fly free now. Maybe you're right, I've been trapping him in a cage, making him uncomfortable and frustrated. It really doesn't matter whether he comes back to return the same feelings to me, right? I can feel it, true love, for letting him go. Wishing for his happiness more than mine. Yes, it may be silly, but I know I love him more than I love myself, and I have to let go because of that.
I can't let him carry my burdens anymore. I will be alone, yes, but at least you'll be happier. It doesn't matter if I can save myself or not. Maybe when you come back to return your feelings, I might not be there anymore. But that's okay. Really. Seeing you being able to smile after I let go will be the greatest gift.
I just wanted you to understand. I wanted you to know when I felt really sad and really really needed help. But it never happens. Not with anyone. I give up already.
-Rin
