I feel like a journalist trying to come up with words to weave the story together. It's tough to find the right words. It's hard to express, ain't it? 

This is day whattheeverfuck of this horrible feeling. I've been suppressing it for almost a week, but I can't hold it anymore. It's like, you can hold in your pee for a long time, then you feel good. Afterwards, you feel horrible because you held it in. Then one fine day, you're going to let it all out on someone. Feelings, not pee.

So... this empty feeling inside. It's back again. I feel like I'm choking on it.  Like someone's grabbing my throat and strangling me, not stopping till I die. Well, maybe to rest at times. 

I've done a lot of thinking today. A bit lesser than usual, but controllable amount, I guess. Have been thinking about my life in future, again. Yes, again. I don't know why I think about it. Maybe I'm scared of it. Because... you'll never know who goes and who stays, and that's the frightening part to me. I'd hate to see people like Vivian, Yee Khang, Hafiz or HIM going. That'd be horrible... But even if they stay, will their relationship with me stay? What if they change to hate me? What if they change for the worse? What if I was still abandoned even after they stayed?

Just remembering times when I was happy, before I held on to things too tightly. Remembering, for what purpose? Just... I just wish I could forget them. I wish something struck my head right now and I get amnesia. Forget everything that had happened since 2009. 

Forget the only person who has helped me and understood me, that counselor. She was the only one who understood those horrid horrid voices, my bottled up feelings and how much of a child I actually am inside. 

Forget the best friend I had who has been there with me through thick and thin for 2 years. The only girl I've kissed who isn't really a family member, but really seems so. That girl who got sick of my complaints, but it's okay, maybe I'm better off by myself. 

Forget all the people who cared for me, who wanted the best for me. The people I rejected because I was too stubborn holding on to something.. someone who already let me go. Those men whom I've hurt in the past... because the guilt is creeping up to me everyday.

Forget HIM. Because he's grown tired of my complaints and drama. Because I have been nothing but trouble and I've hurt him just like everyone else. Forget the pain we've gone through just to stay with each other. Forget the happy memories we've shared to make time pass by quicker than ever. Forget how we wanted to live forever, in each others' arms and comfort, and forget everything else. Funny, how I want to forget the very things I'd like to remember having with you. I just wish I could forget the fact that I even had you. 

To quote Matthew Murdock a.k.a Daredevil, "Sometimes I... I wish we never left that room."

Maybe one day I'll be mature enough to realise that all these are impossible. By then, maybe I'll accept the fact that I have gone through shit and in turn, made me shittier. 

Time has passed. Too fast, faster maybe. I have to move on, don't I? I can't wallow in self pity forever... Or can I? I don't know. To be honest, I don't want to walk. I just want to stay here, cradled in my bed and just sleep in this emptiness forever. At least... At least I won't have to think about anything anymore. I don't have to cry about things I think about anymore. I just have to close my eyes and look in the darkness. 

I've thought to myself. And thought about the actions. Every time I become strong enough to move on, he tells me no. I can't. Because I can't be selfish and care for myself and just leave him behind. But the thing is, I'm not strong enough to pull him with me. Or pull myself away... I can merely use the last bit of energy I conserved to push him away. To push him over that gap of death and over to the happy side of life. At least, he'll smile genuinely. I just wanted that. I just wanted to push him away and never let anyone into my life or world again. I just don't want to make anyone touch this horrible monster again. I don't want to explode all over him again. Because I'm fragile, and I don't wish to suffocate anyone again. 

I'll just have to take it. I have to push him away before it's too late. It'll be just like me dying, won't it? At least I'll know. But it's okay. This time, I won't be selfish anymore. This time, I won't change my decision when it's done. This time... I'll let go. And I'll accept the fact that I've destroyed it all with these hands, and will fix it with these very hands. 

Because the past is dead. And I need to fix the present while fearing the future. 

.....And he doesn't want to talk to me today.. Which makes me lonely. But..that's okay. Because no one has ever paid attention to me before. Not even now... I should be getting used to it. Negligence is a painful thing to receive. And that's all the previous presents I've received for our past monthsaries. 

Because no one cares. And they never will understand.