.Sunday, 10 June 2012 ♫ 03:45 ♫
10th June 2012
Hello.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGx9nZvbjmA
I guess something brought me here. I have no idea what I'm going to write about, think about, complain about. There's always something to think about. Just that, today, there's so much that I can't seem to direct it all into something I can read or write.
Today I woke up sick. It's freezing cold in here. My fingers turn numb with every movement. It's saddening to think about it. The coldness I mean. I wish I could stop thinking so much about everything. All this sadness should go away. It should have long ago, since everything disappeared before me. I wish I could feel heartless for real this time. I don't want to think too much, to feel too much and to see too much. At least, if not that, I wish I could accept everything's that happened.
Thinking about all these memories I hold with me everyday. How I avoid all those happy moments just so that I could drown myself in self-pity and sorrow. A million apologies cannot suffice even if it could forgive everything I had done. If only I could face everything again with a stronger faith in hope, maybe it all would've been fine. Maybe I wouldn't be forcing anyone into this game with me.
Maybe I could. Maybe that chance was there before. Maybe I just kept avoiding it. That or I was blinded. By what? I don't know. Love. Hate. Anger. Sadness. Anything. I keep going on this path to nowhere. I'm only hurting everyone whom I wanted to protect by straying away from it. Fate? Maybe. Maybe I should've stayed on this path and stop hurting everyone else. Maybe I should have just kept quiet as I had in the past. Taken it all in like I usually did. Accepted everything and everyone even as they lied to me day after day about how much of a great friend I am.
I was gullible. I still am. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was brave enough to fight everything properly instead. I wish I didn't care about my fragile heart so much. I wish my heart was stronger after being scarred several times by everyone. I wish the wounds would just heal like normal people have them to. I wish I could heal everyone else too as I wish I could heal myself. Everyday I face the world with this same distorted mindset of mine that's mocked at by The Others.
I thought he was different. I thought this experience, this person would be different from all the lies that slowly destroyed my innocence in the past. I assumed again. The very same mistake I do every single time. Just like neglecting everyone else around me. I thought it would be different this time, that everything would stay the same, stay happy and good. I was proven wrong. I thought it was just a test, so I continued holding on to the same belief, the belief that everything would be fine. I kept lying to myself that it would all work out.
As much as I'd like the past to cease to exist, it still does. Everyone's past does. It shapes them into the creatures that hurt others to protect themselves. Funny how they are able to do that, to save themselves while hurting others. At least, at least they're able to save themselves alone. I wish I was normal like them. I wish I wasn't different. I wish I felt lesser. I wish I didn't cry so much. You wouldn't believe it but I'm broken now. Have been falling all this while, when what I could've done was fly with everyone else. I've destroyed my own wings and burnt everything I had. Only these memories serve a place for me to escape to. This place were tears fill up my soul everyday.
Every time I feel happy for a moment, everything falls back down. I follow suite. If only I could've run away. I've always wanted someone to do it with me. To run away with the person you love, somewhere where we can start afresh in a new world. If it was that simple. But I suck at caring and loving anyone. I'm not meant to have anyone to turn to when everything goes wrong. It's just been that same corner I cry in everyday when all goes wrong. So many events happened when I'm in that cursed corner. I can remember every time I want to end my life at that very corner.
I miss the past now. I wish saying 'I love you' was easy again, because we really meant it. We really did. Why is it so difficult for us now? Why is it so difficult to spend time together without feeling upset about the change that's happened? I can't explain anything, I can't erase the mistakes I've done. I can't lie that I've hurt you more than you've hurt me. But the biggest mistake I've made was accepting you and leading you into my heart. How could I have done that..? It's hurt us both so much. Why didn't I reject you before? Why didn't I avoid all these mistakes?
Now hanging by only a string that holds onto the slightly tainted past, I can't forgive myself anymore. I just wish, somehow you would just let me go properly. Wish that we could go our separate ways to avoid all these tears and pain.
You could've killed me before. Why didn't you do it? Maybe you could've avoided everything. All these happy times we've had could've been nothing. We wouldn't have anything to hold on to. There wouldn't be any regrets, any yearning. I wish I could start everything over again, to a time where we didn't know each other. To a time when I meant nothing to anybody. To a time where I didn't change because of you. To a time when I wasn't a better person.
I'm sick and tired of living this life. I wish I could go back and prevent everything that has happened. I wish I could have stayed in the shadows. I've made mistakes, let happiness slip through my fingers. The day when this troubled life ends, maybe I'll find bliss. Maybe I'll see the light again and be able to hold it with me. Maybe I'll find another person like you up there, and fall in love with him all over again but this time... This time, maybe avoid the mistakes that made us drift. Avoid falling off the edge of happiness and into the darkness below. Maybe the same might happen to you. If only you could just let me go and start everything over again. Just murder me already. I can't take anymore of my mistakes. I can't take anymore of this guilt. I can't stay still and quiet forever.
I hope you'll be happy somewhere without me. I hope when the time comes, the decision I make is finally right. I hope you won't need this broken and empty soul with you anymore. You're stronger than me. You can do it. We promised to run away. We will, from each other. I swear, I'll make things right again with this.
If only you could see me cry now...
-Rin
