Yay I cut again. 

But it's deeper than normal. And it hurt for real. Even if I did it all fast, it got deep. Cos the skin stretched. I'm scared I'll have to stitch it back. That's scary. Needles are scary. I'm scared. 

Why did I cut this time? Sigh. 

I guess my jealousy got the better of me again. Anger too. Just... real angry at how I'm almost a speck of dust sometimes. If I wasn't so fucking FAT then maybe I would be unnoticed too. Everyone's already starting on the game and my group's still researching. Gosh we already have ideas, why aren't we acting on it? Why do we have to laze around and slow progress down? We can finish this fast but no, they want to take their own sweet time. 3 weeks ain't that long dammit. We have 7+ hours to work on our SP, but you chose to utilise only a mere 5 hours. The rest of the time, you go off to your little clique to have fun. What are me, Zoey, and Xin Yi doing? Work work work, research research research. For what? I have no fucking idea either. Xin Yi and I have already come up with a couple of plans for the game and we were planning to discuss with you. But you're so fucking stubborn to not want to start on even a basic game concept/context/whatshit. 2nd day and we haven't even progressed much from yesterday. Zzz.

Jealousy part. Meh. I guess I can't stand looking at Geoffrey talking so happily with them. I mean, yeah they're closer cos they're a clique and all. It just. Sigh. I mean she's so much more attractive than I am. What am I compared to her? If I disappear, would he even give a damn? Would he even care? If I stopped talking to him one day, would he notice? 

Sigh. Wanted to actually talk to Calvin about it since I have to get this all off my chest but... When I came out of the toilet, I saw him and Joey hugging. Then remembered she needs him. I.. I guess it's a sign? I shouldn't be talking about my problems to anyone. I should continue cutting to cope. I'll turn 18 next year. I'll be able to smoke, use addiction as an excuse. I can get drunk and hopeless on the streets or something. Ugh. 

Why can't I talk to people about my shit. It's not like they're all big problems anyway. I mean, I can type a lot of shit here, but why can't I talk to people like this? I guess, I'm used to fading into the background. There HAS to be someone there, I guess it was me. It'll always be me. Because everyone is so much better than me. I'm disgusting. I cut, I cry, I talk shit. Argh. Natural selection, please kill me kay thanks. 

Find myself thinking way too little at night. Just Geof and Viv in my head before I faint lol. Used to be more. What the fuck happened. Sigh. I guess that's enough for today. Hopefully my arm will be ok. God bless everyone. 

-Alyce