.Saturday, 21 September 2013 ♫ 13:58 ♫
Today's 22nd Sept. Tomorrow's 23rd Sept. My dad's birthday. And also, a month from my "suicide attempt" per se.
This whole month has been a real bumpy ride lately. Nothing but disappointment after disappointment. I was happy.. only for a bit. I guess it's just STGCC.
I don't know why people save others from suicide when they're not going to care for the person when they're going to stay alive. I don't know. Maybe I'm expecting too much from people. From Geof especially. I guess he's worn out now. I guess he's tired of me now. I guess.. he doesn't want me anymore then. Guess I'll stop talking to him now and leave him alone. I mean. He has his life to live, right? And it's not like I mean any more than a mere friend to him now.
I don't serve any use now to him. I guess it's time to let go of him. And I guess it wouldn't even matter to him. We were never meant to be together. Even if it hurts me to say this now, there's no denying the truth anyway. But I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to be nothing to him anymore. I want to mean something to him. I want to be his everything. I love him. I really do. And typing all that with just my eyes closed.. (I'm just boasting my blind typing ability) But all jokes aside. I really just need him.
But it sucks you know? Loving someone who doesn't know what emotions exist within you. And I need him to know every time I become upset, sad, angry, happy. How would i live then, with someone who doesn't read emotions? Like I said. ISTJs and INFJs were never meant to be together. We're both the same horoscopes too it'll probably mess up or some shit. I just. I don't know. I want to see reasons. I want reasons not to love him anymore. But I just... He gave me those reasons before. And yet still... I want to love him. And that was a mistake on my part anyway. Meh
MEH. Whatever fuck my life anyway it's fucking ruined in the first fucking place. I was never meant to be fucking alive anyway. That's why everything's so fucked now and I fucking hate everyone. Because I was never supposed to be here. Even my fucking family fucking abandoned me to myself. What does it matter if I'm home and nobody acknowledges my fucking existence anyway? Fucking hate my brother, fucking hate my mum, fucking hate my sis, fucking hate my dad. Fucking hate the school, fucking hate my class, fucking hate everyone who talks to me. Why the fuck can't you all just fucking kill me already? Why doesn't anyone fucking understand that it hurts just to fucking breathe when I have no reason to anyway? Why the fuck do you all think I stay awake at night and sleep in the day? So I don't have to fucking put up with any of your fucking bullshit love and care.
Everyone has a fucking reason to fucking live. I fucking don't. I'm pretty much dead already. Just take it away. Nobody would fucking care anyway just fucking take it. COS I'M FUCKING DONE AND CRAZY ALREADY. I GIVE UP. HELLO WELCOME BACK DEPRESSION JUST FUCK ME UP AS USUAL, WHY DON'T FUCKING YOU.
