.Saturday, 18 January 2014 ♫ 12:52 ♫
I'm gonna say this first. I'm not able to hold back anymore. I've been holding everything in for way too long, I've been acting for far too long. I thought it would help me feel better, and give me a reason to find purpose in life. It never did. Nothing I did ever helped me. I only knew how to destroy myself, and I still know how to.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me these days. I don't blame my period, because the PMS only happens before I have it. It's not due to the fact I've been eating so little because I still felt the same when I ate normally. People are losing their drive in the course, I'm fucking losing my drive to live. I don't claim to have it worse than others, I don't want to. But at this point, I'm feeling my worst and I have no way to let it out anymore. I fucking miss Geof being there for me, I miss having someone to talk to without needing to worry about them leaving me. I miss being with people, but I fucking hate them at the same time. I hate people. I hate me.
I can't be bothered to do anything anymore. I can't be bothered to get up in the morning and live. I can't find the energy to do anything. But I'm literally forcing myself to do all these things and find enjoyment in them, and yet I'm still feeling the same after all this. I tried, I really did. I listened to Britney and watched her videos, I drew till my arm fell off, I slept till I couldn't do it anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't even know why I'm alive.
I'm scared. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living. I'm scared of every breath I take. I'm scared of everything around me. I'm scared of anything to happen to me while I'm alive. What if other people I love die before me? I don't want to live alone anymore. I don't want to wake up feeling alone ever again. I wish I was stronger than this, really. But I'm only pathetic and useless. I'm not supposed to be alive anyway.
I'll be turning 18 in less than two weeks. I have till then to decide whether I want to kill myself. And if I decide to, I'm sorry for everyone who's been there for me. I'm sorry your efforts went to waste. I'm sorry you ever met me. I'm sorry. I'm just a monster trapped in my own wasted wonderland.
-Rinko
